Dodger Third Base Mystery Is Solved, and Other Delights

Dear Answer Man . . .

I second the apprehension of Jeff Hamilton, the Dodgers’ backup-backup third baseman, who says of Pedro Guerrero, “I’m wondering what he’s going to do when he gets (a grounder) off his chest.” What is Pedro going to do?

The Dodgers have anticipated that problem. The front of Guerrero’s uniform will be sprayed with a clear stickum. Any ball that hits him in the chest, or shin, or anything, will stick and Pedro will simply pluck the ball off his uniform like lint and throw it to first.

Of course, then there’s the problem of how Pedro will actually throw a ball that’s now stuck on his hand. But the Dodgers are taking this problem one step at a time.

Were the Detroit Tigers disappointed in relief pitcher Willie Hernandez for pouring a bucket of ice water on the head of a Detroit newspaper columnist?

Disappointed, but also encouraged. It’s the first time in two years that Willie has hit his target.

Hernandez issued an apology, saying, “A lot of people make mistakes. I believe I made a good mistake.” Don’t you think this will be a learning experience for Willie?

It will be an earning experience. Four Presidential candidates are currently bidding to buy the rights to Willie’s apology to use it as a campaign slogan.

Glad to see Gene Mauch is OK and will probably be back in action soon. By the way, what the heck is bronchitis?

The unreasonable fear of being run over by a four-wheel-drive Ford vehicle.

Won’t the Dodgers sacrifice a lot of defense by putting Pedro Guerrero at third base?

As my daddy always told me, “Little Answer Man, you can’t sacrifice what you ain’t got.”

Seriously, how do you think the Dodgers will do with Pedro Guerrero at third base, a position he obviously is not thrilled to be playing?

It’s incredible how many people, including so-called knowledgeable sports fans, have fallen for this one. Pedro won’t be at third base on opening day, old buddy. That whole thing is a practical joke hatched by Kirk (the Kutup) Gibson, in good-natured retaliation for all the pranks pulled on him in Dodgertown.

Gibson enlisted the aid of fun-loving Tom Lasorda, whose annual gags include telling marginal players they are being shipped down to the minors when they really are not.

Pedro won’t find out until opening day that he’s really the Dodgers’ left fielder. He would find out sooner, but he doesn’t read this column.

What about Gibson in left field, you ask? Hey, the Dodgers didn’t really sign Gibson. That’s a practical joke, too. You don’t really think the Dodgers would pay huge money for the baseball version of Bill Walton, do you?

I read that Denny McLain was recently fired from his job as promotions manager of the Ft. Wayne Komets. What’s the story?

The Ft. Wayne Komets, as you probably know, is an astronomy club. McLain was fired after he secretly rubbed lampblack on the eyepieces of all the club’s telescopes, giving everyone in the club the old black-eye look. When it comes to practical jokes, astronomers are notoriously poor sports.

I notice that two of the Mets teammates Darryl Strawberry takes to task in a magazine article for having bad attitudes outhit Strawberry last year, average-wise--Keith Hernandez, .290, and Lenny Dykstra, .285. Strawberry hit .284.

And isn’t Strawberry the same guy who was in manager Davey Johnson’s doghouse all last spring training because Darryl, among other things, overslept and missed a workout?

Yes, that was the incident that got a lot of us who grew up in the ‘60s wondering, “What the heck happened to the Strawberry alarm clock?”

Just for the sake of equality, why not turn your column over to a female writer once in a while, and call it Dear Answer Woman?

I was going to, but Bob Knepper talked me out of it.

Does Knepper really believe women should not be allowed to umpire?

Actually Knepper doesn’t mind the idea of women umpires at all. He simply believes they should be assigned appropriate duties, such as typing the lineup cards, dusting off home plate, scrubbing grass stains off baseballs and serving up tasty snacks between innings.