To Some, This Was a Hurry-Up Offense

They called it 3-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust, and it won a lot of games for Ohio State, but not everyone was enthralled with it.

Gus Schrader of the Des Moines Register recalled Woody Hayes saying to a group of writers: “Hey, not all of you think Ohio State’s offense is dull. Take John Dietrich there. John, you’ve written a lot about Ohio State football. Don’t you find our offense exciting?”

“You’re offense is great, Woody,” replied Dietrich, a writer for the Cleveland News.

Later, when pinned down, Dietrich made a confession.

“I really do like Woody’s offense,” he said. “He keeps the clock moving with running plays so the home games are almost always over in 2 1/2 hours and I can catch the 4:15 p.m. train back to Cleveland.”

Said southpaw Dave LaPoint after signing with the New York Yankees: “I’m not a hard thrower. I can barely break a pane of glass, but I get guys out. You guys are used to seeing Tommy John, and I’m not far off from that. You save money when I pitch. You don’t need a radar gun.”

Add LaPoint: He has been with seven other clubs where he has earned a reputation as something of a flake.

At Detroit, he said, “My goal in life is to be on ‘Cheers,’ sitting next to Normie, talking to Sam Malone.”

At San Francisco, he said, “If we keep this team together, we could finish 30 games out.”

Trivia Time: Who holds the Miami Dolphin record for most passes caught in a game? (Answer below.)

Said Cleveland nose tackle Bob Golic when a columnist referred to him as a grizzled veteran: “Grizzled? I thought that was the tough part of a steak.”

When Boston College beat Army in football in Ireland, a Dublin paper had this headline: “Bold Boston banjax aimless Army.”

Banjax?

Michael Madden of the Boston Globe put the question to a pub patron who said:, “If a chap falls off the barstool after too many pints, we say he’s banjaxed. You know, laid out. Gone.”

Another said, “Your Mike Tyson banjaxes people.”

Nobody believes Doug Moe when he says he doesn’t give his Denver Nuggets any plays, but he said: “If anybody knows what we’re running, it’s me, and I’m telling you we’re not running anything, we’re freelancing.

“I’ve had some of my players come back to the huddle during a timeout and tell me the other coach is diagramming our plays. My answer to that is, ‘How could he if we’re not running any?’ ”

From Jerry Sullivan of Newsday: “Sacramento Coach Jerry Reynolds recently phoned team vice president Bill Russell from Dallas. ‘What are you doing there?’ Russell asked. Reynolds informed him the Kings were playing Dallas that night.”

Take-your-choice dept.: Shortly after declaring that Mario Lemieux, not Wayne Gretzky, was the best player in hockey, Detroit Coach Jacques Demers called an audible and said: “Steve Yzerman is the best player in the National Hockey League.”

Yzerman plays for Detroit.

Said Edmonton Oiler co-coach John Muckler: “Jari Kurri is the most complete player in the NHL, in my opinion, although people may have thought Gretzky made him.”

Trivia Answer: Jim Jensen with 12. He did it this year.

Quotebook

Fred Smerlas of the Buffalo Bills, on ex-Bill Conrad Dobler, who returned to Buffalo for a charity roast: “It’s a wonderful sight, isn’t it? Conrad eating with a knife and fork.”