He’s Not the Kind of Guy Who Would Refuse a Raise

People around the nation are now hailing their great victory over Congress.

They are saying that forcing Congress to give up a 51% pay raise was a sign of how public officials can be made responsive to the will of the people.

I say it shows us what weenies congressmen really are.

When is the last time you gave up a raise, any raise?

I am proud to say my answer is: never. Because I have never been that stupid.

And if my boss should come to me and offer me a 51% raise, he would not find me saying: “I cannot accept it. I must set a good example for the nation.”

What he would find is his car waxed every week and his sidewalk shoveled on snowy mornings.

Congressional gutlessness does not surprise me. There used to be a fine tradition in Congress. It recognized that a public office is a public trough.

But since America has become yuppified and the goo-goos (good government dweebs) have taken over, everyone has to disguise his natural greed and pretend he is a saint. Some call this ethical behavior. I call this hypocrisy.

Of the members of Congress I know (and I don’t know that many because my mother taught me not to hang out with undesirables), I don’t know a single one who doesn’t feel he deserved a 51% pay raise.

Heck, they’d have to be crazy not to. I sit at my desk and have fantasies of my bosses coming to me and saying:

“Simon, we like the cut of your jib. So here is a 51% pay raise. And for heaven’s sake, get yourself some decent ties!”

But, instead, they come to me and say things like: “Simon, why should we count Simon Says columns as real columns? We are thinking of cutting your pay by 51%. And for heaven’s sake, get yourself some decent ties!”

Ask yourself this: What if your boss came to you, offered you more money and you turned it down. What would your spouse do to you when you got home? “You turned down what? Are you crazy? We need a new VCR, the kids are screaming for a Nintendo and you turned down money? Where are those commitment papers my mother got me when we got married?”

And you would have to be crazy to turn down a raise. Or you would have to be a weeny. Which is what congressmen are.

I know this for a fact, because Congress let itself be intimidated by Ralph Nader, who in the past two weeks has been on more talk shows than Charo. Ralph Nader is a fine guy. I like him. I respect him. I admire him.

But I sure wouldn’t let him determine my pay raises. And, if you’re honest with yourself, you wouldn’t let him determine yours either.

Ralph Nader wants the rest of America to live like he does: He owns two sets of clothes (he washes one set down on some rocks by a stream while he wears the other), eats gruel out of a stone bowl, and, for a treat, listens to National Public Radio for five minutes on weekends.

He is too good to be true. If a checkout clerk gives him 2 cents too much change, he not only gives it back but also arranges night classes for the clerk on change making.

Never once has he circled the block looking for a meter with time on it so he could park for free.

Never once has he taken two papers from a newspaper box after paying for only one. (Actually, this should be punishable by death.)

If Ralph Nader told me a car was unsafe, I would not buy that car. But if Ralph Nader told me to give back a pay raise, I’d say: “Take a hike, Ralphy. Some funny mushrooms must have fallen into your gruel.”

I believe that raises are God-given. I am not sure where it is in the Bible, but I once heard a TV evangelist say: “God gave us two good hands and 10 good fingers to grab all we could with them.”

And I am happy to say that spiritual message has guided my entire life.

I believe that everybody should get a pay raise. You, me, the guy down the block and, yes, even congressmen. I believe in pay raises for public officials for the same reason I give quarters to panhandlers: It keeps them from knocking people on the head for it.

A few people on Capitol Hill did have the guts to refuse to be weenies. My congressman, Steny Hoyer (I think he won his first name on “Wheel of Fortune”), voted for the pay raise. A former state legislator (where he learned a little something about money), he now represents a district where more than one-third of the voters are minorities and the median monthly rent is $282.

But did Hoyer vote against giving himself a $135,000 salary? He did not. And, unlike most congressmen who wanted a raise because they have to maintain two homes, Hoyer lives only a few miles from Capitol Hill and can get by fine with just one.

But he did not wimp out and refuse the raise. He stood up and voted for it. And then he went on TV and said that the House defeated the pay raise in an “atmosphere of hypocrisy, hysteria and great anger.” He said “House members work very, very hard” and they deserve the money because they can’t make it on $89,500 a year.

Does this guy have guts or what?

Steny Hoyer, remember the name.

You might not be hearing it that much longer.