WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN MVP? : Magic: With Him, L.A. Is a Fabulous Place

There is a list, although I’ve never actually seen it, that is circulated throughout the Western Hemisphere and updated periodically. It is a list of “Reasons to Hate the Lakers.”

It includes such items as:

No. 7,483. Turbowash.

According to a regular Forum PA announcement, Turbowash is “the official washing tool of the Los Angeles Lakers.” You think that doesn’t create waves of jealousy around the National Basketball Assn.? I hear the Pistons don’t have even have an official washing tool, that after games they have to take regular showers.

No. 279. Bank sponsorship of the Forum.

Most other NBA teams play in dismal buildings. Boston Garden, you wouldn’t send your cockroaches there for summer camp. The Lakers already have a very nice building, and now a bank comes along and gives Jerry Buss lots more money to make it even nicer. In exchange, the bank is entitled to stencil its logo on everything at the Forum that doesn’t move, including the people in line at the pizza counter.

No. 1,066. Jack.

Sure we in Los Angeles love the big leering lug, but in rival NBA cities, fans are sick of Nicholson’s sinister courtside visage, and are praying that the rumors are true and that he really is the new Clipper coach.

Today there is a new entry, coming onto the list at No. 1 with a bullet:

Magic Johnson, MVP.

That’s right, there actually are people who don’t think Magic Johnson is deserving of the MVP trophy, that it should have gone to Michael Jordan.

The people who hold this belief are mostly Easterners, transplanted Easterners or other kinds of religious fanatics.

This pettiness-born-of-envy-and-ignorance puts me in the awkward position today of having to take sides against the very player after whom I pattern my own game. On the playgrounds, I actually am referred to as Air Ostler, although not so much for soaring through it as gasping for it.

No, there will be no cheap shots taken at the Sultan of CO2 today, not in this column. You probe for weaknesses in Michael Jordan’s game and his character and the best you can come up with is that his shoes are overpriced and not Turbowash-proof.

Let’s forget about Jordan for a moment and concentrate on the MVP himself.

Exhibit A: Last Saturday the Lakers opened the Western Conference finals against the Phoenix Suns. With 2:22 remaining in the game and the Lakers leading by seven points, Magic fouled out.

The Lakers held on and won the game by eight points.

Afterward, you would have thought the Lakers had saved the Alamo by fighting off the forces of General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna while armed only with Turbowash tools.

Laker Coach Pat Riley praised his players, and the players praised themselves, for being able to protect a seven-point lead, against a much less experienced opponent, on the home boards of the All’s Quiet on the Western Forum, or whatever it’s called. I bring this up only because it illustrates how much Johnson means to the Lakers, how much his teammates rely on him.

To say that the Bulls need Jordan more than the Lakers need Magic is simply erroneous.

When Magic came to Los Angeles 11 years ago the Lakers were a struggling team, their great center on the verge of retirement. When Magic leaves the Lakers in a few years they will again be a struggling team, their same great center on the verge of retirement.

This particular season was marked by experts as the beginning of the inevitable Laker fade-out. The main reason that fade-out has yet to begin is that Magic lost about 10 pounds of ugly fat, swore off nachos, shaved off his goatee and rededicated himself to the game.

This is not to discount the efforts of James Worthy and A. C. Green and other equally fiery-eyed Lakers. But we’re talking about the most influential guard of all time here.

Look at it this way: Air is impossible to guard. Magic is impossible to beat.

Yes, Michael Jordan would have a better chance of reaching the NBA finals if he had James Worthy up front instead of Horace Grant, and Magic’s act would be less spectacular if he couldn’t kick the ball out to Byron Scott. But you’re rated on how you work with the materials you’re given. Da Vinci didn’t get graded down as an artist because Mona Lisa had a nice smile.

But why am I bothering to argue with the Jordan-is-MVP faction, which includes my esteemed colleague, Hot Air Downey?

Voting for a basketball MVP is an affair of the heart. Debating the issue is like arguing over sunsets.

Everyone loves Air Jordan, as is only right, but anyone who can’t see that Magic is the MVP should have his or her contact lenses Turbowashed.