Here’s What Santa Should Have in Bag

‘Twas the day before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring--they were all on the couch watching the Rams and Raiders.

All right, St. Nicholas, you pious old fraud. Come in and drop your bag. If you’re making a list and checking it twice, how about the following for a merry little Christmas?

--Give the Dodgers a center fielder, they already got enough second basemen and right fielders to start a league.

--Give boxing another Joe Louis.

--Give Charlie Whittingham another Sunday Silence. Give Laz Barrera another Affirmed.

--Give Laffit Pincay the mount on either one of them. Give Chris McCarron the other one.

--Give the USC Trojans another Mike Garrett or O.J. Simpson or Marcus Allen. Give us back Student Body Right.

--Give the Raiders a quarterback, Al Davis will take it from there.

--Give L.A. the Olympics again. Or, rather, give the Olympics L.A. Twice in 50 years the city saved it.

--Give Magic Johnson a man in the pivot to play off. It doesn’t have to be another Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. A Bill Laimbeer would do. Magic can’t take on the league’s skyscrapers, the Patrick Ewings, David Robinsons, Akeem Olajuwons by himself.

--Give Mike Ditka a rubber room.

--Give Buddy Ryan a copy of “How to Win Friends And Influence People.”

--Give Oklahoma a football team it can be proud of.

--Give Bill Walsh one more team to build up. The San Diego Chargers come to mind.

--Give the Cowboys back to America.

--Give Joe Montana the ball.

--Give Steffi Graf some competition.

--Give Flipper Anderson a pass that stays up and a zone he can beat.

--Give the Cubs a pennant.

--Give Mark Langston another pitch or a fast outfield so the press can’t crow that he’s getting a million dollars an inning on his bad nights.

--Give Larry Bird the outside shot with the playoff on the line and the defender sagging, just one more time.

--Give Mike Tyson a Gene Tunney so he can become a lovable figure in sports instead of a scary one.

--Give Cito Gaston or Frank Robinson a pennant so we can get on with it.

--Give Wayne Lukas another pretty little filly who doesn’t know she’s not supposed to beat the boys in the spring of the year.

--Give San Diego an America’s Cup challenge. Let the New Zealanders win it in the waters, not the courts, with a boat, not a writ. Can you imagine Sir Thomas Lipton letting some landlubber in a wig and a robe award him the cup?

--Give Michael Jordan the ball.

--Give Wayne Gretzky the puck.

--Give Noriega 50-to-life.

--Give the Rams a pass rush.

--Give Bo Jackson a bat, give Marcus Allen the football.

--Give Gene Autry a pennant.

--Give Mario Andretti a car that will hold together for 200 laps and Roger Penske to set it up for him so it will.

--Give Al Davis the keys to the city.

--Give Pete Rose back baseball. He’s sick, not crooked. The Black Sox’s addiction was greed, not gambling.

--Give the states the word to stop trying to solve fiscal problems by legalizing gambling. They’ll create more problems than they’ll solve. They’ll achieve a human deficit.

--Give golf another Jack Nicklaus.

--Give Rickey Henderson an MVP or discontinue the award.

--Give Wade Boggs a cold shower.

--Give Steve Garvey a hobby. Come to think of it, he has one.

--Give Don Zimmer a lineup he can juggle. Better yet, give him one he can’t juggle.

--Give us an overtime Super Bowl. But, first, pass a rule it can’t be decided by a field goal.

--Give instant replay to the Indians.

--Give the designated hitter to the birds. That’s what it’s for.

--Give the Jets, Atlanta and Tampa Bay a coach. Look what a difference one made to Green Bay, Kansas City and Detroit. To say nothing of San Francisco 10 years ago and Green Bay 30 years ago. There are no bad teams in the NFL, only bad schemes.

--Give me the day off. On second thought, I just took it.

--Give each and every one of our sports fans out there the merriest of holidays and winners on the cards. Just remember, everything turns to sugar anyway. So, enjoy.