This Q & A Is a Little Different

Questions, questions, questions. Everybody asks questions. What do I look like--directory assistance?

OK, let’s make with the Ann Landers bit and get it over with:

Q: What do you think of these stories that former baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn is in hiding, on the lam from a $3.1-million loan debt?

A: I always thought Bowie Kuhn was the kind of guy who seemed to be in hiding even when he wasn’t in hiding.

Q: How could Bowie Kuhn come up with $3.1 million in a hurry?

A: Become a mediocre baseball pitcher.

Q: Do you feel sorry for Steffi Graf, injuring her thumb the way she did while running away from photographers?

A: Yes. Cher’s old boyfriend had the right idea. When you see a photographer coming near you, try to run him over with a Ferrari. Cheaper cars are OK, but they’re not as fast.

Q: What is your opinion of George Mikan’s bid to bring an NBA franchise to Anaheim?

A: Fine. Make it the Pistons.

Q: Should Karl Malone feel insulted, not getting as many votes for the NBA All-Star game as A.C. Green?

A: Karl Malone should worry a little more about the Utah Jazz and a little less about Karl Malone.

Q: Why do the Minnesota North Stars want to pick up their hockey team and move it to Northern California?

A: So that after games, their cars will start.

Q: What caused the ear problem that Coach Tom Webster of the Kings has been having?

A: Hearing the news of the Bernie Nicholls trade.

Q: In your mind, what is the worst part of baseball players being locked out of spring training camps?

A: It gives Jose Canseco more free time to spend on the highways.

Q: Do you think the Denver Broncos will be able to do anything right during Super Bowl XXV in Miami?

A: Possibly, since the NFC champions will be playing that day in Tampa.

Q: What are executives around CBS-TV calling Andy Rooney these days?

A: Andy the Greek.

Q: Is it really possible that Bill Shoemaker deliberately ran fourth in his final horse race?

A: Could be. I think the poor man might have been trying to avoid having another photograph taken.

Q: What’s the worst idea you’ve heard all year?

A: The Patchy Groundfog farewell tour.

Q: How are you fixed for fireplace kindling these days?

A: Fine. Just got another swimsuit issue in the mail.

Q: Do you think USC’s Junior Seau was wise, applying for the NFL draft?

A: Yes. Now maybe he can afford to buy some better-looking shoes.

Q: How come the Charlotte Hornets fired their coach?

A: They wanted to stay on the front page of the sports section, and stock-car season was almost here.

Q: Does Don King really want Mike Tyson to step into a ring with Hulk Hogan?

A: For money, Don King would want Mike Tyson to step into a ring with Steffi Graf.

Q: Who would the Japanese people prefer to see Tyson fight?

A: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Q: Which teams are currently the leading scorers in college basketball?

A: 1. Oklahoma. 2. Nevada-Las Vegas. 3. Kimble & Gathers.

Q: What exactly did NBC-TV offer to Notre Dame for its football rights?

A: Thursday nights, right after Cosby.

Q: Are ABC and ESPN still intending to take NBC to court over this?

A: Yes, but Lou Holtz has threatened to resign if they don’t stop fighting.

Q: Have the Miami Hurricanes toughened up their college football schedule any?

A: Yes. Next year, they’re adding Seton Hall and Georgetown.

Q: How do you think Michigan will do without Bo Schembechler?

A: I’d still like to know how come the basketball coach couldn’t take part in the NCAA playoffs because he was taking another job, but it was OK for the football coach to take part in the Rose Bowl even though HE was taking another job.

Q: Do you think Illinois should get the death penalty?

A: No. Work with it, give it a good job in the machine shop, try to rehabilitate it.

Q: Were you surprised the U.S. soccer team lost to Colombia?

A: I sure was. I didn’t even know the studio had a team.

Q: What’s on CBS right after the NBA All-Star game?

A: 60:00.00 Minutes.