The Rite Way to Govern

LOS ANGELES —  Citizens, have you prepared? On Tuesday we will baffle the rest of the nation once again by exercising the Rite of California. We will walk into our booths and pass judgment on the following:

* Do we really need the California Constitution?

* Does the Practice of Chiropractic need a little cracking down?

* Should the governor get 29 days to sign legislation instead of 12?

* Are mountain lions worth $30 million? If not, how much?

That’s only a sample, of course. There’s a total of 17 statewide initiatives on Tuesday’s ballot, and by the end of the voting day each of them will be elevated to law or consigned to initiative purgatory.

As I say, this rite has confused our critics for years. These people invariably come from states where legislators are expected to pass laws. Why, they wonder, do we pay our legislators good tax dollars if we prefer they keep out of the legislating business?

Shows what they know. Our legislators get paid so they can be videotaped in coffee shops accepting bulky envelopes. It’s show biz, really, and our boys in Sacramento are damned good at it. As for the serious stuff, the law-making part, no problem. We’ll do it ourselves.

Just like at the ballpark, if you want to follow the game of citizen law-making, you’ve got to have a program. And we’ve got one. Mine hit the driveway several weeks ago with a seismic thud. My very own California Ballot Pamphlet.

This baby is 110 pages long and, like the Torah, could be the subject of a life’s study. You’ve got facts here that can’t be found anywhere else. On page 41, for example, you will find a definition of “riparian habitat.” Check it out.

So rich in California lore is the Ballot Pamphlet that my next-door neighbor has decided to use it as primer for his grade-school children. This decision was made, he said, after his school district recently declared Little Red Riding Hood immoral and off-limits.

The Ballot Pamphlet has been a huge hit with the kids. When the windows of our houses are open, I can hear Dad putting the fledgling citizens through their paces at the dinner table.

“Quick, children, give me the argument in favor of Prop. 112!” my neighbor shouts.

There is hardly a pause before little Brixley, a sixth-grader and the sharpest of the lot, sings out: “Page 24, paragraph one! Proposition 112 Is Your Chance To Free State Government From The Influence Of Special Interest Dollars!”

“Righto!” says her dad. “You kids are going to be just the kind of citizens California needs! Now tell me why we should deprive hardened criminals of the rights and privileges of the California Constitution!” “Because Your Most Basic Right As An American Is To Be Safe From Violence and Free From Fear! Statement by Pete Wilson on page 34!” chimes in Jalenne.

“Correcto!” hails Dad. “And now describe the new schedule of fines and penalties for violation of Practice of Chiropractic under Prop. 113!”

A pause. I could sense the gears grinding furiously in those little brains. Finally, young Horace, laboring in the fourth grade, decides to gamble on an answer. “Misdemeanors of California Chiropractic Law will increase from $50 to $200 plus imprisonment for 30 days!”

“Incomplete!” Dad rejoins. “Page 26, paragraph two of background analysis clearly states that penalties may include jail time up to 90 days! What’s the matter with you kids? Do you want to run this state or not?”

The dinner table grows silent. I strain to hear, but the only sounds are the clinking of silverware. It’s clear that the kids, who dearly want to run California, have lost momentum. They need a little something to pick them up, a confidence-restorer.

Then Brixley hits on it. “Daddy,” she says, “Do you know that we never received our Supplemental Ballot Pamphlet, printed in blue ink so it would not be confused with the Ballot Pamphlet, and that the Supplemental Ballot Pamphlet is the one and only source of the Overview of State Bond Debt?”

Dad, aghast, is caught flat-footed. The family is on the verge of hitting voting day without a Supplemental Ballot Pamphlet. He’s stumped.

But Brixley isn’t. “There’s a toll-free voter hot line, Dad,” she says brightly. “It’s 1-800-345-VOTE. We can still get the Overview of State Bond Debt in time.”

“Quick, children, to the phones!” Dad cries out. And through the window, as small fingers beat a tune on the touch-tone pad, I hear the sound of California being governed.