MAKING IT WORK : Suggestions for Dealing With Past While Maintaining a Relationship

When Louise Yoder Yeilding talks about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child, most people see her as a victim. But she sees herself as a survivor . And as a marriage, family and child counselor practicing in San Clemente, she is helping others make that subtle but significant change in their self-image.

The following are some suggestions she offers those who are trying to keep relationships together while coming to terms with the trauma of sexual abuse:

Trust your feelings and your instincts. This will be especially difficult if your family taught you to hide your pain and pretend everything was OK.

Get your mate involved in the healing process early. You will need support, and you will probably both need to change if your relationship is to survive.

Let your mate know he or she doesn’t have to solve your problems for you. That just puts pressure on you to heal faster than you’re ready. You need understanding and acceptance from your mate--not answers.

Set boundaries. As you begin to let your feelings out, you will probably take your rage out on your mate, who needs to learn when to say, “You’re out of line. You’re going too far.”

Keep working and be patient. The scars of sexual abuse go deep, and healing them is a long process that will probably require professional help.