Hole the Mayo

On the same day peace activist Jerry Rubin began a hunger strike against war, a woman telephoned demanding to know why we hadn’t covered the National Sandwich Contest. For some reason, the call came to me.

“I don’t know about the sandwich contest,” I said. “Call the sandwich editor.”

“You didn’t know about the final judging of the Dream Sandwich? It was right here in L.A.”

“That’s wonderful,” I said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Jerry Rubin is out there about to starve for peace and I have to . . .”

“Who is Jerry Rubin?”

“A guy who goes on hunger strikes occasionally in order to lose weight and end war. In this case, he’s trying to lose weight and avert war.”

“I have no interest in Jerry Rubin.”

“Well,” I said, “Jerry Rubin probably has no interest in dream sandwiches. But come back about two weeks into his fast and I’m sure his attitude will have changed.”

I told her about the time I interviewed Rubin during an earlier hunger strike. I ate lunch in front of him to test his anti-war commitment.

He watched every bite I took, from plate to mouth, his eyes burning with hunger even as we discussed his yearning for peace. But despite the abundance of food, he never once demanded even a taste.

“Because of that,” I said to the lady on the phone, “the world remained at peace through the entire lunch hour.”

When I finished the story, she said, “What about the sandwich contest?”

I mention this to explain the diversity of interests that exist in L.A. and why, no matter what we cover, it is never enough.

Another example of this was contained in an article that appeared recently in a sprightly regional publication that specializes in liberal causes.

The writer, Bruce Mirken, pointed out that activists working on behalf of a variety of causes were complaining that The Times routinely ignored their protest demonstrations.

A chart that accompanied the story drew the following contrasts:

On July 26, 100 people picketed the office of U.S. Sen. Pete Wilson to protest his stand on the questioning of Supreme Court nominee David Souter.

The Times printed nothing on the protest, but did carry a story 19 column inches long on how guppies are helping prove the theory of evolution.

On Aug. 31, there was an anti-Mideast involvement rally at the Unocal Building.

The Times carried nothing on the rally, but did print a 12-inch story on a new nursery for tortoises at Cal State Dominguez Hills.

The intent of Mirken’s combined 36-inch story and chart was, of course, to expose our biases. What they overlooked, however, is that there is a protest in L.A. every third day of the year. We can’t cover them all.

Even as I write, for instance, Gloria Allred is leading victims of sexual crimes through town to protest the anti-abortion record of Dan Lungren, a candidate for state attorney general.

Maybe we should cover it, but there has recently been a change in reporters assigned to Allred protest parades. The last one suffered feminist burnout and has been reassigned to animal rights.

I think that’s how the guppy and turtle stories made it so big.

We face an additional problem in L.A. that most cities don’t have to contend with: The Celebrity Factor.

On Thursday, for instance, I was about to check out Ed Begley’s appearance on behalf of transit improvements when I realized that if I did I would miss the Leonard Nimoy appearance on behalf of the environment.

Also, while I didn’t know it at the time (the lady on the phone mentioned it), even the Sandwich Contest had a celebrity. Dom DeLuise was a judge.

I didn’t go to any of them, opting instead for the Martin Sheen presentation of the Mitch Snyder Humanitarian Award later in the evening.

When I mentioned this to a friend, however, he said how could I possibly go to a Martin Sheen event and not attend a dinner at the same time for Bob Hope, who was receiving the Hal Roach Entertainment Award?

We face these kinds of decisions every day: The Dream Sandwich or the Jerry Rubin fast, a pro-abortion protest or a guppy press conference; an anti-war rally or a ribbon-cutting for a tortoise nursery?

Sheen or Hope, Begley or Nimoy, Allred or nothing.

There’s a lot going on in this town all the time, and no matter what one choses to cover, someone is going to be unhappy.

I just hope to God Julia Roberts doesn’t appear in a bikini on behalf of organic radishes at the very same time a press conference is being held to announce we have learned to communicate with earthworms.

I’d have one hell of a time choosing between them.