Grieving Child Needs a Sympathetic Listener

The death of a close family member is a profoundly upsetting event in the life of a child or a teen-ager, and it is almost certain to seriously affect the child’s performance in school.

In the classroom, grieving children often show disinterest, misbehavior and, eventually, poor grades. But, as I discussed last week in a column dealing with parental divorce, it’s possible for a parent, another family member or a close friend to help a student handle grieving.

Most important is that the child be able to talk with a sympathetic listener. Often, however, the parent will need to initiate the discussion, and in many cases, a good book on the subject of death and grief is invaluable.

The idea of discussing death with a child often seems awkward and complicated, but it doesn’t have to be, according to Sheila Wilson-Goldstein, a marriage, family and child counseling intern at Airport Marina Counseling Services in Westchester. “Children have the capacity to deal with and understand death, and many times it’s the adult’s feeling uncomfortable and using euphemisms that confuses a child.”

Above all, suggested Wilson-Goldstein, you must be straightforward in your explanation. “If you tell them grandpa has gone to sleep and is not going to wake up again, then it doesn’t make sense,” she said. “They may start to fear going to bed because they think they may not wake up again, like grandpa.”

But if you’re uneasy about discussing the death of a relative or friend with your son or daughter, there are many gentle but truthful books that can help, and here are just a few.

“The Tenth Good Thing About Barney,” by Judith Viorst, is one of the most popular books about death for young children.

In the story, a little girl plans to bury her beloved cat, Barney. She is told to think of 10 good things to say about Barney, and the book follows her as she does so. By the time the character has collected the 10th “good thing,” she has also worked through the grieving process admirably.

“The Tenth Good Thing About Barney” costs about $3.95 in paperback and $12.95 in hardcover.

Another good book for children is “Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children,” said Diane Applebaum, co-manager of Children’s Book World in West Los Angeles. “It talks about the life cycle in very, very simple terms,” she said.

“Lifetimes” explains, for example, that there are “beginnings and endings . . . with living in between” and that “this is true for all living things.”

The book is popular partly because of its beautiful illustrations. “You can use it with the youngest, and you can give it to an adult because it’s so beautiful,” Applebaum said.

Written by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen, “Lifetimes” sells for $7.95 in paperback.

“I’ll Miss You, Mr. Hooper” is based on the “Sesame Street” television script, by Norman Stiles, which explained the real death of the show’s Mr. Hooper character a few years ago.

Notes in the front and back of the book guide parents through a discussion of its content and of death in general. Tips include giving the child a photograph of the deceased to help maintain strong and happy memories of him or her, as Big Bird does in the story: “. . . So Big Bird took the picture he had drawn of Mr. Hooper and hung it on the wall next to his nest.”

In hardcover with colorful pictures, “I’ll Miss You, Mr. Hooper” costs about $3.95.

“How It Feels When a Parent Dies” is a collection of essays written by children and teen-agers who explain how they coped with a parent’s death.

These essays remind children that grieving is something everyone does sometimes, and that they are not alone in this universal human experience. “It’s fascinating because you’re grieving, and here you’re given an essay by another (child) who feels the same way you do,” Applebaum said. “It gives you support--you know you’re not the only one in the world.”

Each essay is about three pages long and is accompanied by a black-and-white photograph of the writer.

Compiled by Jill Krementz, “How It Feels When a Parent Dies” costs $7.95 in paperback.

Finally, one of my favorites is “Everett Anderson’s Goodbye,” written by Lucille Clifton and illustrated by Ann Grifalconi.

This book begins by naming the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Then the reader follows Everett Anderson, an African-American boy, as he journeys through each phase of mourning his father’s death.

In the end, Everett finally realizes, “I knew my Daddy loved me through and through, and whatever happens when people die, love doesn’t stop and neither will I.”

The black-and-white pencil drawings add a peacefulness to the story, which won the 1984 Coretta Scott King Award, and the 1984 Teachers Choice Award given by the National Council of Teachers of English.