MOVIE REVIEW : ‘Don’t Tell Mom’ Wallows in Teen Wish Fulfillment

“Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead” (citywide): With a title like that, you don’t need a movie.

And this title doesn’t have a movie. Sorry . . . that’s an exaggeration. There’s sort of a movie here: a feebly written and stridently directed teen wish-fulfillment comedy about five California kids left alone when their mom vacations in Australia and their baby-sitter dies.

It’s been tarted up with the gloss modern movie-making can muster: fussily detailed sets, gleaming cinematography (by Tim Suhrstedt), attractive actors and actresses bouncing and bubbling, lots of rock ‘n’ roll on the soundtrack, lots of references to other movies--notably “Psycho.”

This script wasn’t written; it was grafted. ‘Don’t Tell Mom” starts out like “Home Alone” times five, dives headfirst into teen TV cliches, and then veers almost inexplicably into “Working Girl.”

When these generic sitcom Southern California brats find their dead baby-sitter, they decide--mystifyingly, I thought--not to call the police or their mom, but to bundle her up in a box labeled “Nice Old Lady” and dump it at the mortuary. Afterwards, wish fulfillment reigns: Older brother Kenny (Keith Coogan) cleans dishes by turning them into skeet shoot targets. Oldest daughter Sue Ellen (Swell) Crandell (Christina Applegate), blonde and pouty, immediately lands a $37,500-a-year administrative assistant job at a clothes manufacturer.

It’s a lightning rise. Prospective boss Rose, played by Joanna Cassidy with soap-opera-queen smile and chummy innuendoes, listens to Sue Ellen mumble two sentences and likes her style so much (what style?) she doesn’t bother to check her references--all of which are false.

When you construct a plot that’s pure wish fulfillment, you often need something to get the audience over the hump of the fantastic premise. But “Don’t Tell Mom” is a short-cut movie. It’s soaked in the instant gratification fantasies of ‘80s society, ‘80s movie-making. Everything happens fast and loose--Coogan’s Kenny turns from klutz cook to master chef in a week or so, Sue Ellen saves her whole company from the recession in days--and there’s always another rock song to tape over the transitions.

Director Stephen Herek, who made “Critters” (the poor man’s “Gremlins”) and “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” (the poor man’s “Back to the Future”) has the kind of bright, purposely inconsequential style that may work for teen audiences--indiscriminating ones--but, when pasted on material like this, makes it look even thinner, louder, phonier.

This is a movie whose morality is as banal as its humor--and that’s saying something. Basically, it’s standard post ‘80s high-concept drivel, yet another marketing hook in search of comedy, tension, characters, atmosphere, compelling narrative drive--everything we used to see in movies before the hooks and the ad campaigns swallowed them up. “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead” (rated PG-13) doesn’t leave a critic or audience much choice--except maybe to wrap it in a box labeled “Not-so-nice silly movie” and drop it off at the mortuary.

‘Don’t Tell Mom

the Babysitter’s Dead’

Christina Applegate: Sue Ellen

Joanna Cassidy: Rose

John Getz: Gus

Keith Coogan: Kenny

An HBO/Cinema Plus L.P. & Mercury/Douglas Films presentation of an Outlaw Production released by Warner Bros. Director Stephen Herek. Producers Robert Newmyer, Brian Reilly, Jeffrey Silver. Executive producer Michael Phillips. Screenplay Neil Landau, Tara Ison. Cinematographer Tim Suhrstedt. Editor Larry Bock. Costumes Carol Ramsey. Music David Newman. Production design Stephen Marsh. Art director Patricia Klawonn. With Josh Charles. Running time: 1 hour, 45 minutes.

MPAA-rated PG-13.