COVER STORY : A Course in the Golden Rules of Power Eating

Here are some rules to help you get along in Hollywood’s power establishments and, perhaps, avoid the table by the kitchen door:

1. The secret of power eating is to ignore it, or to patronize a few places very often. Yes, it’s fun to try new restaurants, and maybe you’ll get in on the ground floor of tomorrow’s power eatery. But if you want to be a power eater now, start going to Le Dome or Jimmy’s every day for a year. They’ll have to start recognizing you, and at the very least move in a cot.

2. Never bring your wife or husband. Never bring your secretary or assistant. Power eating, by definition, is not a social occasion. Make sure you have an Amex, Visa or MC with enough available credit on it to pay the bill, not cash or check. (At Le Dome, they say you have a phone call and once you’ve left the table they politely tell you your credit card was rejected.)

3. Suck up shamelessly to the maitre d’s. Have your secretary or assistant get on a first-name basis with them. Dating them is even better. Put them in your next action-adventure movie--producers Larry Gordon and Joel Silver cast the maitre d’ at Morton’s as a security guard in “Die Hard”--and they haven’t gotten a bad table since. Send expensive trinkets on a regular basis. But trying to tip your way to a good table is strictly for civilians.

4. A power eater is predictable. He/she goes to the same table, eats the same meal, drinks the same drink, leaves the same tip. Yes, it may seem boring, but you’ll really be a regular once you achieve this monotonous level of sameness. Encourage the waiter to talk to you as little as possible. In fact, start out the meal by talking as little as possible. This gives you an immediate advantage by forcing your lunch partner to entertain you.

5. If you’re dining with a power eater, and feel intimidated by looking at a menu, you have several ways to proceed. Put the menu aside and simply order the Caesar salad. (Every place in L.A. can make a Caesar salad.) Sigh gently, and mutter, “I’ve never liked this room. It’s too public. “ Let it slip that the chef just catered your last dinner party.

6. Power eaters know that he/she who orders the least amount wins. Think along the lines of what a monk would eat for meals. At breakfast, have only herbal tea and dry wheat toast. At lunch, a small side salad with mineral water is perfect. And at dinner, a pasta appetizer served as a main dish, or plain broiled fish, is enough. If you are genuinely starving, then order a steak “blood rare.” Your dinner companion will be so scared that you’ll lock up your deal in record time.

7. Never leave to make a phone call during lunch or dinner (it shows you’re at someone else’s beck and call). Always instruct your secretary to interrupt you once during the meal (shows you’re invaluable). Never return what you’ve ordered even if it’s inedible (shows you’re subject to bad judgment). Always be especially nice to the waiter (shows you’re big enough to be polite).

8. Table-hopping is the most misunderstood art form among power eaters. The recognized master of this is Jeffrey Katzenberg, the chairman of Walt Disney Studios. It should be like ballet: the idea is to pirouette from table to table but not linger. If you don’t see anyone you know, just smile and wave in the direction of the back of the room to no one in particular.

9. If you learn nothing else, remember that you should never try to make a deal while standing at someone else’s table. Don’t make a beeline for someone important just because you’ve been trying to get him/her on the phone for days. Never tell that person you’ve been trying to get him/her on the phone for days. If someone suggests lunch sometime soon, don’t pinpoint a date.

10. Making a good exit from a restaurant is as important as a good entrance. If you’re embarrassed about the kind or condition of your auto, boast that you’re picking up your electric car next week. Don’t ask for change back from the valet parkers, even if it’s a $10 or a $20 bill. Be sure to start dialing on your car phone before you’ve even left the driveway.