THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : Bird’s Return Has Celtics Flying Again

The Birdman cometh: Lest anyone forget what a Larry Bird or a Magic Johnson means to his team, check Bird’s return.

Bird left in December with a back injury. The Boston Celtics managed to go 9-9 until the All-Star break, then buckled when the schedule caught up with them. By the time Bird got back, they were 12-17 without him.

With Bird last week, they rolled up two easy victories.

Bird averaged 32 minutes, 21 points, 14 rebounds and seven assists.

“I see why they say he’s the greatest,” said Maverick forward Terry Davis after the first game. “One time, I was so close to him I could have kissed him and he still put the ball in the basket.”

In Bird’s second game, all nine Celtics in before garbage time scored in double figures.

Bird is playing with a back brace, which he says is just to remind him not to do “something stupid.”

Against Orlando, for example, he pursued a loose ball that was headed over the press table. In the old days, this would have been a guaranteed 2 1/2 forward somersault in the pike position.

From the other end of the floor, Coach Chris Ford yelled, “Easy, Larry!”

Bird let it go.

The Celtics could be a force, should their three wise men, Bird, 35, Kevin McHale, 34, and Robert Parish, 38, reach the playoffs in good condition.

In Boston, they’re walking on eggs, but at least they’re walking.

THE MAGIC MAN:

HE COMETH NOT

Then there are the Lakers.

They’re not getting their superstar back, this season anyway.

Nor is their task getting easier. They’ve only fielded their post-Magic starting lineup (Vlade Divac, James Worthy, Sam Perkins, Sedale Threatt, Byron Scott) twice--the first two games of the season.

Offers of help, however non-traditional, are arriving from all quarters.

A Woodland Hills psychotherapist, mailed in a four-page psychological perspective.

Coach Mike Dunleavy, said he’d go for anything that would help, even a talk by a Hare Krishna.

He’ll be happy to know the Krishnas are available.

“We’d love to help,” says Stuart Kadetz of the Bhaktivedanta Publishing House.

“I called Coach Dunleavy. I wasn’t able to speak with him, but I talked to his secretary. I told the secretary we were willing to come down and sit on the bench. She didn’t think that was possible but she said perhaps the first row behind the bench.

“We’ve all been chanting and praying for the Lakers’ success. The next night, though, they went to Seattle and lost again. I don’t know, have they turned it around yet? I really haven’t been following it.”

Not yet, Stuart, but keep chanting.

BRAINSTORM:

This thing about the Trail Blazers being dumb is getting out of hand.

Perhaps their decision-making isn’t always up to the level of their physical talent.

On the other hand, two seasons ago they were 1-1 in the finals, having won a game on the Pistons’ floor.

The Lakers did out-game-plan them in last spring’s West finals but the Blazers were within an open Terry Porter jump shot of winning Game 6 in the Forum and forcing Game 7 in Portland.

But they lost and became game for everyone, fair or not.

Last week, Chicago’s Scottie Pippen, who may or may not have been Phi Beta Kappa at the University of Central Arkansas, came right out and said it: “No offense to Portland, but we’re a much smarter team.”

No offense?

“I think all this started after we lost to the Lakers in the playoffs last year,” said Clyde Drexler.

“It’s all a lie and we are very offended by it.

“The Lakers said it. Funny thing is, they never said anything as long as we were up in that series, only after we lost.”

Uh, Clyde, you were never up in that series. The Lakers won Game 1 and never trailed.

FACES AND FIGURES:

Laker General Manager Jerry West, on speculation he would join his friend, Jim Thomas, now negotiating to buy into the Kings, and move to Sacramento: “My guess is, if Jerry Buss wants me to stay here, I’ll stay here but I can’t control that. As long as Jerry Buss wants me here, I’ll be here.” . . . West on Magic Johnson’s suggestion he might return next season if he can play a 60-game schedule: “He’s never said one word to me. That’s a determination he has to make. Our statement pretty much stands. We stand behind him no matter what he wants to do. My best guess is, he won’t play again.”

Geriatric wing: Celtic forward McHale, out again with pain in his surgically-repaired ankle: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water again. Jaws II. Ankle IX.” . . . And Celtic center Parish, on the shoulder to his lower abdomen that forced him out of a recent game: “It’s a good thing I already had my children.”

Bird after touring Boston schools with Johnson: “Magic’s a completely different person now, no question about it. It seems like ever since he caught the virus, everything he says comes straight from his heart. Deep down in my heart, I believe Magic wants to help as many people as he can in the time he has left, whether it’s 30 years or 10 years or five years. He feels if just one person says, ‘I’m going to use a condom tonight,’ and one life is saved, it’ll be worth it.”

Owner Jerry Reinsdorf of the Chicago Bulls on his team’s funk: “Lately in the fourth quarter, anything resembling our offense is an accident.” The Bulls then lost at home to the Indiana Pacers when Pippen, shooting two free throws at the end with a chance to tie the game, missed. Pacer Reggie Miller said he taunted Pippen: “ ‘Hey All-Star! Hey Olympian! Don’t shoot it short! Don’t shoot it short!’ And you know what? He shot it long which is just what I wanted him to do.” Replied Pippen: “I know one thing. They’ll be home in May and we’ll still be playing.” . . . Charles Barkley’s weekly state-of-the-76ers report: “We’re not good enough. We’re not good enough, top to bottom. The moves we’ve made haven’t worked. That’s not brain surgery. A lot of blame has been placed on Shack (Charles Shackleford), but that’s unfair because he’s playing out of position.” . . . Chicago Coach Phil Jackson on Bulls’ nemesis Chuck Person of the Pacers. “I don’t know if it’s the water they drink at Auburn or what. He and Charles are of the same ilk. The elevator doesn’t always go to the top floor with them.”

Six weeks after he arrived, the Celtics are eager, nay desperate, to unload Sherman Douglas and his $19.5-million contract. They don’t like the way he dominates the ball, doesn’t push it up the floor or fails to create a lot of shots for teammates. Other than that, he’s OK. Says broadcaster Bob Cousy: “Where are his skills? They’re not readily discernible.” Don’t look for the Lakers to get involved. By NBA rule, they can’t deal for him for a year after signing him to an offer sheet, which would be next December. . . . Enough already: NBC does a nice job on NBA games but should bag the self-promotion. Last week’s lowlight: Ahmad Rashad pinning up Marv Albert’s photo in his unforgettable piece on the contents of the Bulls’ dressing room.

Last word, we hope, from the last “Battle of the Titans”: As soon as he’d dispatched Julius Erving, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar said he had no intention of returning to the NBA. Asked if he’d like to play Magic Johnson one-on-one, Abdul-Jabbar gasped: “Right now I don’t want to play any body.” . . . Seattle’s George Karl probably arrived too late to be an entry for coach of the year, but he was an inspired hire for SuperSonic president Bob Whitsitt who might have saved his own job with it. The SuperSonics started the weekend with 11 victories in 13 games--one at Utah where the Jazz was 26-2. . . . In four games at the Kingdome against the Lakers, Celtics, Bulls and Knicks, the SuperSonics averaged 36,174. In their Coliseum games they’ve averaged 11,375. Overall average: 15,356.

The Detroit Pistons, always in search of a goal, want to catch the Cleveland Cavaliers for No. 3 seeding in the East. “Being in the opposite bracket from the Bulls would at least give us a realistic chance of getting back in the conference finals,” Coach Chuck Daly said. Added Joe Dumars: “We may need help from other people to catch Cleveland.” Yeah, like Mandrake the Magician.