This Is the Best Team You’ve Never Heard Of

A friend came up to me and said: “Name this team.”

“Name what team?” I asked.

He said: “I’m going to name some players. Then you tell me which team they play for.”

I said: “OK.”

He consulted a scrap of paper in his palm and said: “Will Pennyfeather.”

I shook my head.

He said: “Steve Cooke. Tim Wakefield.”

I asked: “Is this an American team?”

He nodded and said: “John Wehner. Denny Neagle.”

I said: “If this is soccer, I give up.”

Assuring me it was not, he said: “Alex Cole.”

I said: “Wait. That one sounds familiar.”

It was either a wide receiver or a game-show host.

“Gary Varsho. Cecil Espy.”

A light bulb went on.

“Bob Patterson. Stan Belinda.”

I said: “This is a trick question, isn’t it? This is a baseball team.”

My friend showed me a scorecard.

It sure is a baseball team. It is the Pittsburgh Pirates’ baseball team. It is a first-place baseball team. It is a defending division champion, one-game-shy-of-a-World Series baseball team.

It is a great baseball team.

But you will have to excuse me. I’ve been in Barcelona. I’ve been in Albertville. Since last season’s playoffs, I haven’t been keeping up.

“Where’s Bobby Bonilla?” I asked.

“Gone.”

“Where’s John Smiley? Where’s Steve Buechele? Where’s Bill Landrum?”

“Gone.”

“And they’re still in first place?”

Yes, they are. Somebody is doing something right in Pittsburgh. Up and down that lineup you look, unimpressed. But day in, day out, the Pirates play good baseball. Hustling baseball. Winning baseball.

And while four of the five West Coast baseball teams sink slowly into the sunset, the Pirates plow along, heading for a playoff rematch with Atlanta and another shot at that World Series.

I hadn’t given the Pirates much thought, frankly, until Barry Bonds made his remark the other day about being reluctant to leave Pittsburgh because he hates to leave a winner.

Although I was kidding about Bonilla, Smiley and all--I’m not that out of touch--and about the Pirates still occupying first place, I really hadn’t heard of some of those guys who have been keeping the team on top.

(Nothing personal.)

Nor was I aware that most of the Pirate infield--Jeff King, Jay Bell, Jose Lind, Gary Redus and Orlando Merced--had batting averages that looked like bowling scores. Mostly in the low .200s.

Nor was I aware that Smiley has won more games for Minnesota than any pitcher has for Pittsburgh, or that as of mid-August you would practically need a search party to find anybody on the Pirates’ staff in double figures. I mean, Randy Tomlin won one game in a month and still leads the club in victories with 12.

And you’re right. I did say: “Randy who?”

But all I know is that this is still one fine ballclub and one that deserves a lot of credit. I have to believe Bonilla rues the day he left, and I believe Bonds might soon have a day to rue, too.

Montreal is the only team that can keep Pittsburgh out of the playoffs, so place your bets. Keep in mind that Montreal makes the baseball playoffs slightly more often than Montreal makes the NFL playoffs, which is never.

All Montreal needs to become a championship team is seven or eight more people named Alou. Pittsburgh--in town tonight to begin a first-vs.-worst series with the Dodgers--is doing it with mirrors. And with Jim Leyland, maybe the game’s best manager. And with able starting pitching and musical-bench relief pitching. And with defense. And with Andy Van Slyke, perhaps America’s finest and funniest center fielder.

And, of course, with Barry (U.S.) Bonds, who is thinking about selling himself to the highest bidder.

I don’t blame him much. Money’s money. If Bonilla got $29 million, Bonds probably wants at least $29,000,000.01.

Barry hit a home run Saturday at San Francisco that was last seen headed for St. Petersburg. The instant he made contact, he knew it was gone. Then he set the U.S. record for Slowest Time to First Base, walking the entire 90 feet in approximately the same time it took Jose Canseco to hail a cab after leaving Madonna’s. Janitors couldn’t start cleaning up Candlestick Park until Bonds rounded third and reached home plate. He is such a fine player. No wonder the Padres wouldn’t mind him coming home to San Diego, even though they can’t really afford his price. (I’d pay it anyway.) No wonder people wish the Dodgers would be interested, even though they technically don’t have a place for Bonds to play. (I’d find a place.)

But there is more to the Pirates than Bonds or Bonilla. There is an attitude there, a will to play hard and win. Leyland recently was described as being near tears while saying: “I’m awful proud of them, I can tell you that. No matter what happens, they’re winners as far as I’m concerned.”

He has that right. All of them are winners--even those guys you’ve never heard of.

You don’t have to go out and buy a winning team. You can build one. It is a lesson to be learned in New York and Chicago and up and down this coastline.

Ask me to name the Pirates and I would call them anonymous. Tell me the Pirates are a great team and I will make it unanimous.