A Bear of a Year for Both Bruins

THE COLLEGES

You’d almost think no one wants to win the Bottom Ten title.

For the sixth time this season, the No. 1-ranked team betrayed the selectors by winning a game.

The latest defector was Texas at El Accurately Thrown Paso, which has been jettisoned in favor of Brown University. The Ivy League Bruins have lost half a dozen in a row in what seems to be a bad year for Bruins all around.

UCLA, which has a four-game losing streak of its own, is now employing its fourth-string quarterback. Computer projections show that at its current rate of injuries, the Pasadena team will be using a 13th-stringer in its final game. (The 13th-string quarterback, by the way, is a nerdy engineering student who doesn’t even know he’s going to be drafted by the football team.)

Elsewhere, Hulk Holtz of Notre Dame was penalized for performing a headlock on an official in a sideshow to the Notre Dame-BYU football game. Holtz, as he customarily does, downplayed his chances against his next opponent, Andre the Giant.

The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Brown (0-6) 0-38, Penn Cornell 2. Minnesota (1-6) 13-63, Michigan Indiana 3. Arkansas State (1-7) 6-58, Mississippi State Louisiana Tech 4. Hulk Holtz (0-1) 15-yd pen. Andre the Giant 5. Michigan State (2-5) 17-27, Ohio State Northwestern 6. Oregon State (1-6-1) 21-27, Stanford Idle 7. Missouri (1-6) 24-34, Nebraska Iowa State 8. UCLA (0-4)* 0-20, Arizona State Cal 9. Houston (2-4) 38-45, Texas TCU 10. Mildcats (3-3)** 7-54, Colorado Oklahoma

11. Pitt (3-6); 12. Vanderbilt (2-5); 13. Utah (2-5); 14. Iowa State (2-5); 15.-18. Pentagon (Army, Navy, Air Force, VMI) (9-18); 19. This space adopted by L.A. Raiders; 20. Oklahoma (became only third Sooner team in 29 years to lose to Kansas).

*Pac-10 record.

**This Mildcats’ slot, usually Northwestern’s, is occupied by Kansas State this week.

Rout of the Week: Kansas State (3-3) over Oklahoma (3-3-1).

Mascot Madness: Northeast Louisiana’s Chief Brave Spirit and Northwestern State’s Vic the Demon staged a second-quarter wrestling match last Saturday, prompting security guards to intervene in Natchitoches, La. During the fray, Brave Spirit ripped off the Demon’s costumed head.

Quotebook: Robby Edwards, Northeast Louisiana sports information director, when asked who won the scrap: “Well, our guy kept his head on.”

THE PROS

If it’s any comfort to New England fans, nose tackle Fred Smerlas says the winless Patsies (0-7) are far superior to the 1985-86 Buffalo teams that he played on. The Bills went 2-14 both years.

If that’s not enough comfort, rumors persist that owner James Orthwein wants to move the team to St. Louis. Orthwein says, however, “I plan very definitely to keep the team here.” He says he hopes to “improve the quality of play through our CEO and our coaches.” Better he should worry about his QB than the CEO.

The Patsies, by the way, are encountering unexpected opposition from the Cincinnati Bungles, who’re working on a five-game losing streak of their own under Dave Shula, 33.

Shula, who could become the youngest coach ever fired in the NFL, vowed to show up for Sunday’s game against Cleveland, assuming he can get the car keys from his dad.

The rankings:

MARSHALL FAULK CONFERENCE*

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. New England (0-7) 17-19, Cleveland Buffalo 2. Seattle (1-7) 10-23, New Jersey Giants Idle 3. Cincinnati (2-5) 10-26, Houston Cleveland 4. New Jersey Jets (1-6) 20-24, Buffalo Miami 5. Atlanta (2-5) Cursing Toronto Rams

*Teams fighting for 1993 No. 1 draft pick.

NFL’S WINLESS WONDERS*

Team, Milestone Year Record 1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1976) 0-14 2. Detroit Lions (1942) 0-11 3. Dallas Cowboys (1960) 0-11-1 4. Brooklyn Tigers (1944) 0-10 5. Columbus Panhandles (1925)** 0-9 6. Cincinnati Reds (1934) 0-8 7. Cincinnati Celts (1921) 0-8 8. Dayton Triangles (1928) 0-7 9. New England Patsies (1992)*** 0-7 10. Muncie Flyers (1920) 0-1

*Teams that went an entire season without remembering to win a game. **Steve DeBerg’s first team. ***Nine more to go!

One candidate who can’t carry Chicago: In a recent Chicago Sun-Times poll, 61% of the readers urged temperamental Coach Mike Ditka of the Bears to resign. Columnist Jay Mariotti, in a personal note to Ditka, added: “To continue in an immature mode, like a 5-year-old brat, is no longer acceptable. The town is losing respect for you.”

Where’s the rest of me? During the Miami-Indianapolis game, NBC’s Todd Christensen said of the Dolphins’ new tight end: “Evidently Keith Jackson’s groin is not going to make it back (into the game).”