Spinning Out of Control: Heading to the Great Spin Doctor in the Sky

NEW YORK —  “Joining us now for a special edition of ‘Nightline’--a post-election post-mortem on the Bush-Quayle campaign--”

“Wrong.”

“All right, Mary Matalin, political director of the campaign, we’ll start with you.”

“This continuing media bias is just incredible.”

“What did I say?”

“Post-mortem, Ted. ‘Mortem’--as in dead. This campaign is far from dead. There’s plenty of life left in this campaign.”

“Mary, the President lost the election. A half-hour ago he delivered a gracious concession speech--”

“Wrong. He never used the word ‘concede.’ ”

“Yes, he did, Mary. And the spirit of concession, the admission of defeat, permeated every sentence--”

“Wrong.”

“Maybe I can clarify this.”

“All right. Charles Black, Bush senior campaign adviser.”

“I think George Bush has done a terrific job of communicating why we shouldn’t be turning the White House into a waffle house. The real issue, Ted--”

“With all due respect, the President--after repeatedly hammering that point--lost the election--”

“Wrong.”

“Mary?”

“I think we can safely let the voters decide for themselves who won and who lost.”

“They have decided--”

“What I think she’s saying, Ted, is that everyone’s tired of getting their news filtered through the media.”

“But, Charlie--”

“Excuse me, Ted.”

“Go ahead, Bush-Quayle spokesperson Torie Clarke.”

“Ted, voters who see the candidates unfiltered consistently say our opponent looks slick and contrived while George Bush always seems confident and serene.”

“But they voted him out today--”

“Wrong.”

“Hang on, Mary. We’ll be back after this.”

* * *

“Joining us now, White House Press Secretary Marlin Fitzwater, campaign adviser James Cicconi and political field director David Carney. Tough day, Mr. Fitzwater?”

“Not at all, Ted. You’re assuming the President has nothing better to do than study all these poll results--”

“Hold on--this was the election! It’s over! One term, just like Jimmy Carter.”

“Wrong. Ted, you’re wrong.”

“Patience, Mary. James Cicconi, you can’t tell me the President isn’t just a trifle disappointed in today’s results.”

“Frankly, Ted, no. This President is a fighter pilot. He showed that in ‘88, and he’s showing it now.”

“Ted?”

“Yes, David Carney.”

“Our polls show Clinton’s negatives rising and the race tightening.”

“David, the race is over--”

“Wrong.”

“--why not simply admit that your man has lost?”

“The President is just waiting to make his move and break the race wide open, Ted.”

“May I?”

“Go ahead, Marlin Fitzwater.”

“As you know, Ted, President Bush is a great campaigner when the chips are down and he has to come from behind--”

“Marlin, he lost the election. This is how it works in a democracy--”

“Ted, you’re just wrong. This is a President with character. This is a President who cares very deeply--”

“What Mary’s getting at, Ted--”

“What she’s getting at, Charlie, is that somehow, in her world, the President didn’t lose the election. We’ll be right back.”

* * *

“We’re joined by Rich Bond, chairman of the Republican National Committee, and Senator Alan Simp--”

“Ted, real Americans know exactly who won and who lost this election--regardless of what the elites in New York and Los Angeles and Spokane and Santa Fe think.”

“It’s over , Rich.”

“When are you going to stop pistol whipping your viewers, Ted?”

“One moment, senator. What I want to know, Rich--”

“I want to point out that George Bush has never waffled. He’s never pulled a Clinton. And he’s never gone negative. It’s the other side that went negative.”

“These people still haven’t come clean on the Little Rock-Moscow-Oslo-KGB connection.”

“Well, be that as it may, senator, I think you’ll have to agree this will not go down as a banner day for your party.”

“Wrong.”

“Look, folks, I don’t mean to get personal, but I have to say--you all appear to be in a state of, I don’t know how else to put it, profound denial.”

“Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.”

“OK, Mary. I’m afraid we’ve only got a few seconds left. Closing words, Rich Bond?”

“Ted, it’s been a tough campaign, but this is a great day for the President and for the people of the United States of America. We finally have Bill Clinton right where we want him.”