‘BUGDUDE’

Daniel Nussbaum is a kind of artist of the found object: a poet of the vanity license plate. His book of stories, “PL8SPK,” due next year from HarperCollinsWest, retells a number of classics ( OEDDY THEKING , for example) entirely in the lingo of personalized plates actually registered with the Department of Motor Vehicles.

GREGOR SAMSA DDID GO2SLEP 1AVGGUY. HEE WAKES UPP AA TOTALEE REPULSV HUMONGO ROACH.

GREGGRS 1ST THOTS: HAVE2 BOOGI DRESSUP EATFAST GO2WORK. GREGRRR DOSS NOT YET SEETHAT AAAA 5FT10 COKROCH IZZZ UNWANTD 2DXTRME.

OUTSIDE THEDOOR GGREGS MOMNDAD FRETT: “RUILLIN THERR?” CANUSAY WHTITIZ? HEYKIDO, COMOUT.”

BUT BUGBOY CANTCME OUTSIDE. LOOKIT GREGY STRUGGL INNN BED. STUCK FLPSIDE UP, VRYVRY FRUSTR8D, SKINNI BUGLEGS WAVE BFORE HISOWN BUGFACE.

NOKNOK. MAKERM 4GREGGS UPTITE OBNXSHS BOSS.

“HEYGREGM UR2MUCH,” SEZ

THBOSS, “TELLME WHYRYOU HIDNOUT?” HAVEYOU MBEZZLD BIGBUX? ISDAT YYYY? CONFESS!”

THEBUG SAYS, “RIKRIK ZZYZZY KIKIKI.”

THEBOSS GOEZ, “XQQQME, NOOO HUMAN VOYCE CANDO DAT NOYZ.” MOMGOES, “HEISICK ITELLYA. GO4DOC, PRONTO. GOGETA LOXMITH.”

WEEKS GOBY. GREGGOR LIVES LOCKDUP INN HIZ ROOOOM. NOONE WILL VISIT, NOTEVEN MOMMO. HOW LONELY! HOWWE BOREING! BUGGGZ R8 VERYLOW. THEGRUB STINKS. OHSURE, OURBUG GETS 2GO WALK ON HIS CEILEEN, BUT BIG DEAL.

ONEDAY GREGO DESIDEZ HE HURTS THFMILY SIMPLY BY BEING. DA NEXTDAY THEMAID MAKESS AAA DSCVRY: THA CORPSE OFA BUGDUDE. SHEGOES, “HEYLADY! ITZ DDED.”

NOWWWW GREGZSS FAMILIE WIL BREEETH AGAIN, FREEEE OFHIM, THER SON, AGROSS MEGABUG.