Weekend Escape: Santa Maria : Slowing Down on Central Time : In This Part of ‘Middle California,’ the Aroma of Barbecue Spices the Air and Shady Patios of B&Bs; Suggest a Certain Kicked-Back Attitude

What do you do when you need a weekend doing nothing, away from everything that made you need such a weekend in the first place?

I go to Santa Maria.

That’s the town you pass when you’re heading up Highway 101 to famous fun destinations like Cambria, Morro Bay, Monterey. The charm of Santa Maria is that it’s not famous or full of fun, which means no little voice asking why you are taking a nap when there’s so much to see and do. There is nothing to do, if nothing is what you want to do, besides lolling on a shady patio, reading a trashy book and waiting for dinner.

And, no, it’s not on the ocean.

So, why recommend Santa Maria for a weekend idyll? Because of its essentialness. Earth, sky, sea, mountains, the bracing smell of vegetable fields, the mile upon mile of ruler-straight grapevines, the sun-scoured hillsides dotted with live oaks and grazing cattle. . . .

*

I have been going to Santa Maria to do nothing for eight or 10 years, and I never tire of it. But this visit would be a serious challenge. My cousin from Maine was coming to L.A., and we’d be going off for a long weekend. To San Diego, she thought. “Let me show you the real California,” I urged, inventing on the spot the host’s prerogative not to stand in lines to see sights I’d closed the book on when my daughter outgrew Sea World.

I’d sketched out an itinerary, which began: “Leave L.A. 9 a.m. Check into Santa Maria Inn by noon. Stop at Maison Deutz for champagne tasting. To Pismo Beach for lunch.” We left L.A. at 10:30 and were at the hotel desk three hours later. Lunchtime was flying by. We could have used a champagne stop just to unwind, but I’d been dreaming of tri-tip all week. Even as we exited U.S. 101, we could smell barbecue; it is Santa Maria’s signature, the aromatic equivalent of the Hollywood sign.

In a blink, we were waiting for a table at Brad’s restaurant a block from the pier in Pismo Beach, about 12 miles north of Santa Maria, watching great slabs of meat grilling on the patio barbecue and fairly fainting from the aroma.

I’ve never been able to get a clear explanation of what makes Santa Maria tri-tip unique. It’s just the sirloin end, cut in a wedge, seasoned and basted (the cook’s secret, natch) and broiled over local oak, then sliced in thick chunks and stacked on sourdough. It always comes with Santa Maria pinquitos (pink beans) and salsa.

Beer is the beverage of choice with tri-tip lunch, and my cousin’s expectations of the weekend improved mightily when she found New England’s finest, Samuel Adams, on the menu.

Pismo is the perfect beach for doing nothing. The water is too cold and rough for frolicking. On the long pier, a few hardies sit doing nothing with fishing rods in their hands. There’s clamming at low tide (California fishing license required), an ideal do-nothing “sport”--digging up critters that tell you where they are.

All that food, sun, sea breeze, walking . . . time to take a little rest back at the hotel, sink into the armchair by the sunny window, listen to the patio fountain, crack open that new novel . . . and be serenaded awake by a man singing “Lady in Red” off-key. Across the hotel garden, a retirement party was starting up.

I’d planned to take a slow sunset drive down back roads to Casmalia and the Hitching Post steakhouse, which “everyone” recommends. But our little rest had left only one part of us fully functional: our appetites. So we walked to dinner.

Shaw’s, 1 1/2 blocks from the hotel, doesn’t look like much from the outside--or inside, for that matter. But it has been popular for years, the kind of place where a man can treat his wife to dinner and not have to take off his John Deere cap. The menu is all basics--steaks, chops, fish--with fairly priced local wines. Usually I have the tri-tip dinner. Time for a change. I’d never had fish broiled over oak before. I may never have tri-tip again.

We should have walked a roundabout route back, at least around the block, but we were ambushed by the bright lights of the hotel’s ice cream parlor. From there, we took the stairs down to the wine bar.

We turned in early to be up early. We actually were going to do something: a bird-watching walk on the beach.

The beach used to be virtually closed to public access from Vandenberg Air Force Base north to the Pismo dunes. Now, thanks to the Nature Conservancy, the ocean can be visited, but it’s not easy. Santa Maria’s Main Street ends six miles west of downtown at a sort of guard shack where a conservancy person counts cars in and out; when the 20-space-or-so parking area on the beach is full, no one goes in until someone comes out.

The morning was overcast and cool. We had conservancy volunteer Jamie Chavez all to ourselves. As we waited to see if any laggards would show up, he told us about how, in 1923, Cecil B. DeMille turned the Pismo Dunes into ancient Egypt for his “Ten Commandments” and then left the sets to the elements. Eventually, the wind and sand tumbled and covered this midden of make-believe. A bit of it can be seen from the road, a jumble of wood and what looks like wire poking out of the crest of dunes.

Jamie walked us far up the beach to an estuary, which the outgoing tide was emptying as fast as a bathtub with the plug pulled. We watched all sorts of birds floating down for lunch in the mud.

It was 11 a.m., too early for our lunch, but we left anyway for a quick refueling at Margarita’s cafe on West Main. Gorditas and tortilla soup were just the thing to prepare us for the afternoon activity: a wine-tasting tour through back roads to the Santa Ynez Valley.

Foxen Canyon Road starts at the east end of Betteravia Road in Santa Maria and runs 25 meandering miles to Los Olivos. A third of the way down, you’ll come to the landmark Chapel of San Ramon (1875). On one side, acres of grapes march in ranks up to the tiny Rancho Sisquoc winery; around the bend, to the west, plump cattle keep the grass trimmed in a forest of oil pumps. If one square mile can be said to hold the essence of what makes California golden, this is it.

Rancho Sisquoc could be called a boutique winery; almost all of its wines are sold on the premises. But “boutique” sounds awfully precious for a winery that also sells its home-grown dried lima beans. The tasting room is part of the old (very small) farmhouse; the introduction to Sisquoc’s flint-hearted wines is unpretentious and cheerful. It’s the only winery I’ve visited that gives off an aura of the hard work that goes into turning out such a happy product.

Next stops, in order: Zaca Mesa’s sleek, new tasting room; Fess Parker’s; farmhouse-style Carey Cellars and, finally, Santa Ynez Winery.

Dinnertime already?

We’d made reservations for legendary Mattei’s Tavern (built in 1886), where we pulled out all the stops: a Sauvignon Blanc with the artichoke appetizer, a Merlot with the rack of lamb, right down to pecan pie, cognac and espresso. Lots of espresso.

Back at the Santa Maria Inn, the two weddings we’d watched setting up at noon were just winding down. I settled into the chair in my room, uncorked the Merlot I didn’t dare finish at dinner, and started again to read the book I’d been saving for my quiet weekend. No chance. Doing nothing sure can be tiring. Besides, we had to get up early enough to beat the after-church rush at Jack’s in Orcutt before he ran out of linguica.

Jack’s is literally the pig-out capital of North County, its variety of European-style sausages the big draw, from the looks of fellow-breakfasters’ plates. And don’t pass up the takeout treats for sale at the cashier’s desk (caution: Jack’s doesn’t take plastic). A bear claw or two are just the thing to see you through the (usual) 101 jam-up down in Santa Barbara.

Budget for Two

Gas to and from Santa Maria: $ 22.00

Two nights, Santa Maria Inn: 129.80

Lunch, Brad’s, Pismo Beach: 20.00

Dinner, Shaw’s, Santa Maria: 73.72

Wine bar, Santa Maria Inn: 6.00

Breakfast, Santa Maria Inn: 16.00

Lunch, Margarita’s, Santa Maria: 13.87

Dinner, Mattei’s, Los Olivos: 99.24

Breakfast, Jack’s: 18.59

FINAL TAB: $399.22

Santa Maria Inn, 801 S. Broadway, Santa Maria, Calif. 93454; telephone (800) 462-4276 or (805) 928-7777, fax (805) 928-5690. For a winery guide, information about special events: Santa Barbara County Vintners’ Assn., P.O. Box 1558, Santa Ynez, Calif. 93460; tel. (805) 688-0881.