Let There Be Quarterback Controversy

In the beginning, there were Waterfield and Van Brocklin. And it did come to pass that Waterfield did come to pass, and Van Brocklin did come to pass, and there was great chaos throughout the land, the masses parting as if the Red Sea, uncertain with which camp to cast their allegiance.

And the house was divided for many years.

It was Waterfield who had led his people, the tribe of the golden-fleeced Ram, out of the desert (also known as the Land of Cleve) to the City of Angels, where milk and honey flowed and the sun shone brightly every day of every season.

But it was Van Brocklin, the Norman, who led the Rams to their greatest conquest, replacing Waterfield at the helm for the final thrust against the army of Brown, defeating Otto the Terrible in the War of Fifty-One and extending the rule of the Ram empire, ever briefly, around the world.

Discord and dissent were handed down from generation to generation, as Waterfield and Van Brocklin begat Van Brocklin and Wade, who begat Wade and Ryan, who begat Ryan and Bratkowski (also known as Zeke the Elder), who begat Bratkowski and Gabriel, who begat Gabriel and Munson.

And the house was divided for many years.

But in the summer of nineteen hundred and sixty-six, Gabriel the Roman smote his enemy, Munson the Lion-hearted, to begin a lengthy and unprecedented reign without challenge or contention, and the Ram empire prospered again. At the peak of his dominion, Gabriel the Roman led the Rams into battle 11 times without defeat.

With time, however, the hand of Gabriel grew weary and unsteady, and the cry went up for new leadership. Gabriel was overthrown in the year of nineteen hundred and seventy-three and banished to Phil-A-Delphia, where Van Brocklin also had been exiled during his dotage.

Gabriel was succeeded by Hadl the Bald, whose reign was glorious but brief. Following the failed siege of Dallas that winter, Hadl was abducted and bartered to the merchants of Green Bay, and a new era of anarchy ensued.

Harris and Jaworski were the first to compete for the vacated throne, unsuccessfully, as they were routed by the armada of Admiral Staubach at the steps of the Coliseum.

Harris and Jaworski begat Harris, Jaworski and the good dwarf Haden, who begat Haden and Namath (the storied Joseph of Broadway), who begat Haden and Ferragamo, who begat Haden and Pastorini, who begat Ferragamo and Jones, who begat Ferragamo and Kemp, who begat Kemp and Brock, who begat Dils and Bartkowski, who bore no relation to Zeke the Elder.

And the house was divided for many years.

But in the autumn of nineteen hundred and eighty-six, the young prince of Purdue, Everett the Peacemaker, ascended to the throne, intent on uniting the fractious kingdom. Everett was tall and handsome, strong and just and beloved throughout the land during the early years of his tenure. The Rams scored many victories under Everett, and Everett assumed more power with each one.

Soon, Everett was granted total authority, and a dictatorship was hurriedly assembled. The first decree was to rid the ranks of all potential threats to the hierarchy. Everett surrounded himself with dutiful lieutenants of limited ability: Millen the Middling, Herrmann the Ordinary, Long the Short, Pagel the Aged.

Youthful rebellion was also quashed in every corner. While other armies groomed such able field generals as Aikman of Troy and Sir George of Indianapolis, the Rams used conscription only for foot soldiers and last-line infantry. The official order was that Everett was not to be challenged, under any circumstance.

All was well until the Battle of Montana in January of nineteen hundred and ninety. The story is now a famous one, told and retold by fathers to their sons, of how the mighty Everett was sacked, not by the 49th Brigade, but by himself, when the leader of the Rams chose to fall on his own sword in the heat of battle.

Everett survived, but the wound never completely healed. Subsequent years saw the once powerful Rams cowering in retreat, with Everett unfit to command a charge and no one from the ranks capable of succeeding him.

Then, one day, a boy with a slingshot arose from the crowd. His identity was shrouded in mystery; he was known only by the initials T and J. Fable held that he hailed from a region far, far away, a great flat land called “Tulsa,” and that he once led a small band of comrades to Freedom in a courageous uprising against the Aztecs in the winter of nineteen hundred and ninety-one.

Word of such deeds spread quickly throughout the countryside. Without knowing anything more, the masses cried out for T.J., anointing him as savior and demanding the ouster of Everett.

Fort Knox was under siege for many weeks. One by one, Everett’s close circle of allies began to defect until it was finally decided: Young T.J. would be thrown into the Lions’ den as a test of his manhood.

With thousands upon thousands serving as judge and witness, T.J. performed bravely in a losing cause. The will of the people could no longer be denied--T.J. was sent forth immediately to lead the Rams against the reviled 49th Brigade and instructed to avenge the carnage that had been the Battle of Montana.

T.J. said he would do his best.

And the house was divided again.

And that is the way the house prefers it.

The Rams, and their quarterbacks, have come to know them as the house rules.