A Game of X’s, O’s and Oh Wows

How will the Raiders defeat the Buffalo Bills in their playoff game Saturday at Buffalo? Let me count the ways:

1. Peat and repeat.

Forget Marcus Allen. When you need short yardage for a touchdown, you go with the NFL’s fullest fullback, 305-pound Todd Peat, between the quarterback and tailback, as the Raiders successfully did against Denver. Here is how the play is diagramed:

o o o o o o o o o O o

Jeff Hostetler takes the snap. He gets out of Peat’s way. Several Buffalo Bills try to get the license number of the recreational vehicle that just ran over them. Napoleon McCallum or Ty Montgomery takes handoff and follows OVERSIZED LOAD sign into end zone. Six points.

2. The old Trapp play.

An opponent is in your face. You want to break his concentration. Quick, you call on rookie cornerback James Trapp, who is standing on your sideline in his street clothes. Here is how the play is diagramed:

o o o o o o o o o o o

Trapp is spread far right, standing out of bounds between Coach Art Shell and the portable heater. Some Buffalo dude tries to mess with Hostetler near the sideline. Out pops Trapp to pop the Buffalo dude in the chops. As at the Denver game, no penalty is called because referee figures Trapp must be some crazy fan who dropped in by parachute.

3. Throw long.

Now you really want to get under your opponent’s skin. Thurman Thomas, say, is having a very good day. You assign defensive tackle Nolan Harrison to pick up Thurman’s helmet and fling it like a discus, same as he did recently to a player from Tampa Bay. Thurman eventually will line up without his helmet, like so:

8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 o

As you recall, Thurman Thomas has been known to forget his helmet in big games. He once missed the first series of a Super Bowl for this reason. This led to another in a tradition of Super Bowl flops for Buffalo, as well as inspiring a new TV series on the Fox network, “Thurman’s Head.”

4. Rocket science.

Up near Niagara Falls, where this game will be played, they see so much Canadian football on TV that occasionally they forget the rules. Rocket Ismail played in the CFL before joining the Raiders. Canada uses a wider field. Therefore, you line up Rocket alongside James Trapp, out of bounds, like so:

o o o o o o oo o o o o

At the snap, Ismail goes long. Buffalo Bills are distracted by Trapp, who threatens to go after more of their players. Rocket runs out of bounds, dodging photographers and guys carrying first-down chains. At the last minute, he cuts onto the field, catches a touchdown pass. Referees, accustomed to seeing Ismail on wider field, validate touchdown over Buffalo Coach Marv Levy’s screams.

5. The Shell game.

Coach Art Shell is anxious. He fears his players need more motivation. Suddenly, a light bulb goes on above Art’s head. He huddles with his advisers. Quickly, they diagram a new play. It includes not only the players, but also the coaches, like so:

o o o o o o o x0x o o o o

The big O is Shell. The X’s are Gunther Cunningham, assistant coach in charge of defense, and Tom Walsh, assistant coach in charge of offense. At a key moment in the game, Cunningham and Walsh go after one another. One calls the other a high school coach. The other makes a lunge for his nose, same way Buddy Ryan recently did. This strategy has kept the Houston Oilers’ blood boiling. Could work for the Raiders, too.

By executing these plays, I believe the Raiders will take Saturday’s game, 51-3, then pay several heavy NFL fines.