More Cheap Chatter on Daytime TV

Trying to fix NBC’s feeble daytime schedule by adding “Jane Whitney” and “Leeza” is like trying to make Quasimodo prettier by grafting on another hump.

Yet there they are--along with syndicated newcomer “Rolonda” on KCAL-TV Channel 9--affirming the continued cynicism and dysfunction of daytime television.

Behold the recycled legion of kinks, the weird and fringe wounded, the publicity-seeking afflicted and walking spasms of humanity, the bizarre subcultures that, through repeated exposure on national TV, become accepted as mainstream.

And those are just the hosts.

You get a sexual thrill from walking your dog dressed as Napoleon, call this 800 number. You think your dentist is really Donald Duck? And you yourself are Goofy? Join our panel and tell inquiring minds your story. Have we got a show for you.

The only positive result of the Northridge earthquake was that its coverage here delayed the Los Angeles debuts of the new talk shows.

*

“Leeza” used to be “John & Leeza,” an hour of show-biz chats and celeb interviews. But low ratings prompted NBC to drop the bubbly Leeza Gibbon’s co-host, John Tesh, and have her front a standard audience-participation talk show exploring topics “of interest to women.” As if other daytime talk shows were aimed at longshoremen.

If ever a show appeared to be on the cutting edge of mustiness, this is it. On Thursday’s “Leeza” you saw two women sitting together, holding hands. Naturally one of them was once a man.

“Leeza” and “Jane Whitney” (9 a.m.) are confirmation that the network considers its daytime audience dim bulbs. The gratuitous, exploitative Whitney pads around in her stocking feet, her hybrid personality fusing the surly toughness of a bail bondsman with the naivete (surely posed) of someone who has just awakened from a 10-year sleep. Her syndicated talk show was near the bottom of the food chain, naturally making it a leading candidate for NBC’s daytime schedule.

Whitney joined the pursuit of the Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding story Friday. That included repeated replays of that overused footage of the clobbered Kerrigan crying out, “Why? Why?”

No one on the show connected Harding to the attack that already has resulted in the arrests of her ex-husband and three others. And Whitney said: “She’s not been charged, she’s not been indicted, she’s not been arraigned.” Very noble. Yet the hour’s message was mixed. Accompanied by scary music, its repeatedly flashed title was “Ice Rivals.” Get it? And one of the guests was Verna Heath, famous for being the alleged target of Wanda Holloway in the Texas cheerleading case. Whitney’s introduction: “Next a woman who relates to the jealousy and evil that may have motivated the attack on Nancy Kerrigan.”

Jealousy from whom if not “ice rival” Harding?

In addition, on came a woman identified as Harding’s “second mom,” but not the one earlier claiming to be her surrogate mother on “Sally Jessy Raphael” and “CBS This Morning.” On came a fellow skater supportive of Harding. On came two Kerrigan friends. On came Russel Rietz, who claimed that Harding’s so-called bodyguard offered him $65,000 to murder or break the legs of Kerrigan. On came the editor of the Harding fan club newsletter, complaining about “gratuitous negativity” aimed at Harding.

Gratuitous negativity? Did Whitney’s eyes light up or what?

But no such luck. Yes, a man in the audience screamed at Rietz, and two panelists clashed over whether Harding was a money grubber. But this was relative sweetness.

With no prolonged arguments or whipped-up audience frenzy, this show was a bust by Whitney standards, the opportunity to distort and create false fears and paranoia disappearing right before her. Better days were coming, though, evidenced by this 800-number recruiting pitch that appeared on the screen midway through the hour: “If you are willing to do anything to stop your child’s impending marriage, please call . . . “

That’s right, anything!

“Jane Whitney.” Why? Why?

*

While Phil Donahue was schmoozing with famous-for-being-nasty Zsa Zsa last week and two sisters were calling each other sluts on “Jenny Jones,” someone named Laura told Rolonda Watts, “I had eating disorders. I cleaned my house twice a day. None of that is normal.”

Abnormality? All right!

Look, it’s a dirty job that “Inside Edition” alumnus Watts has taken on as host of the new “Rolonda” at 2 p.m. on Channel 11. But somebody has to make the money.

Watts tackled sexy lingerie on Friday. She needed a breather after Thursday’s intense show about the repressed and fake memory syndromes. A therapist had induced Laura to believe that her parents sexually abused her. But they hadn’t. They were on the stage with her now. So was her 14-year-old daughter, who was crying. Then Laura started crying. Then Watts held their hands because, like Sally Jessy, she cares. Really cares.

Then a woman named Kimberly claimed she really did repress her memory of sexual abuse. Ditto for her, added her sister, who did, however, deny saying on ABC’s “PrimeTime Live” that she once killed babies and drank blood. “That was taken completely out of context,” she said.

Then came the dueling experts, one who believed in the repressed memory syndrome, one who didn’t. Then audience members berated the skeptical expert.

“Can you believe this?” Watts said. Unfortunately, yes. If only you could repress your memory of “Rolonda.”

Lucky for Watts, meanwhile, Laura and her family are all extremely overweight. She can have them all back when she does her show on fat people with fake memory syndrome.