THE BIZ

Some reasons your phone calls haven’t been returned yet:

1. They haven’t read your screenplay.

2. They have read your screenplay.

3. Their secretary threw away last month’s call list.

4. Your secretary’s name is Heidi.

5. Your name is Heidi.

6. They haven’t heard yet that you’ve just signed a three-picture deal with a studio.

7. They heard that your father wants to direct your next picture.

8. You spelled the producer’s name wrong on 2,000 release prints.

9. They saw you on Howard Stern’s New Year’s Eve show.

10. They’re not interested in remaking “Billy Jack” as a dramatic vehicle for Whoopi.