JUST KIDDING : Recycling ‘The Paper’ for the Techno Age

Ron Howard’s new movie, “The Paper,” is an entertaining, breathlessly paced yarn about the old stalwarts of the Fourth Estate, but we’ll let you in on a little secret: It’s complete bunk.

A journalist’s life is nowhere near that interesting. No one, for example, gets in fistfights over replating a page, and random gunfire in newsrooms is almost completely a thing of the past. Real reporters’ jobs entail sitting for hours phoning sources who don’t answer or return calls--but put a couple of scenes like that in a script and see if an agent returns your calls.

Not that journalists weren’t flattered by the celluloid attention, but there are plenty of more contemporary media outlets that could likewise make for riveting, cutting-edge Hollywood entertainment. Here’s our list of adventures in the world of First Amendment high-technology. (In keeping with the precedent established by Howard’s film, we’ve given each prospective movie a generic, uninvolving title, followed by a nominally more interesting and commercial title.)

“The Cyberzine” (a.k.a. “Dazed and Confusing”)

Hotshot factoid compiler Binky Viscera (Bridget Fonda) finds her career blue-penciled when a gruff new managing editor, Isaiah Burnside (Sir Richard Attenborough), joins the trendy, attitude-laden publication and brings along his outmoded ideas that copy should be in the same size and typeface and in tidy columns and that the magazine’s editorial content should actually be coherent and linear and distinguishable from advertisements. Complications ensue when a city road map designed in the magazine’s graphic style hopelessly confuses motorists, creating a weeklong citywide traffic jam. Romance blossoms when Binky falls for Stan (Nicolas Cage), a dyslexic who can actually follow the magazine, and he encourages her to follow her dreams and compose even more disorienting copy. Co-starring Janeane Garofalo as Ricki, the magazine’s wise-cracking, Doc-Martens-wearing art director.

“The Quickie Scandal Paperback” (a.k.a. “What’s Integrity Got to Do With It”)

Snotty, well-paid Cole Treacle (Tom Cruise), who makes big bucks churning out instant paperbacks on current scandalous news topics, finds his career in the remainder bin when his publisher hires Martha (Maggie Smith), a new editor who insists that he actually investigate stories in more depth than a simple Nexus system search. Meanwhile, Cole’s best friend (Chris Elliott) tries to persuade him to pick up where he left off on his novel: “Dammit, man, you used to write fiction that soared with the rhetoric of Milton! Why do you sell yourself out?” Co-starring Janeane Garofalo as Sally, the publisher’s wise-cracking, Doc-Martens-wearing cover designer.

“The Tabloid Newsmagazine” (a . k . a . “The Age of Ignorance”)

Josh Varicator (James Spader), the hotshot stud journalist for a popular syndicated TV newsmagazine called “Deck Heads,” finds his career hanging by a stringer when Judith (Judy Davis), a former print reporter, begins insisting that Josh’s stories adhere to certain outmoded journalistic requirements, such as honesty. Complications arise when Josh and Judith share a furtive romantic moment, then each sues the other for sexual harassment. Meanwhile, Josh stumbles onto a genuinely important story involving a high-ranking politician’s unethical use of arcane tax loopholes, but no one believes him. Co-starring Janeane Garofalo as Kathie, the program’s wise-cracking, Doc-Martens-wearing set designer.

“The CD-Rom Game” (a.k.a. “Reality Bytes”)

Maverick game designer Roy Probate (Crispin Glover) sees the words “Game Over” flashing before his career when Esther Masters (Sally Kirkland) is hired as new vice president in charge of production, an old-school conservative whose philosophy allows no room for gratuitously violent imagery in the games. Complications arise when a bunch of kids in the Midwest discover a secret, unpublished move in one of Roy’s games, “Who Embarrassed Roger Rabbit,” which leads the player to a den of carnal activities not generally associated with children’s video games, inspiring an irate parents group (led by Max von Sydow) to call for Roy’s head. Meanwhile, romance blossoms when Roy falls for fellow techno-nerd Dottie (Carol Kane), who creates a way to compress every book ever published onto a single compact disc, thus eliminating the need for libraries throughout the world. Co-starring Janeane Garofalo as Leeza, the company’s wise-cracking, Doc-Martens-wearing graphics designer.

“The Corporate Newsletter” (a.k.a. “The Hudsucker Prose”)

Beatrice Verdad (Winona Ryder), fresh out of journalism school and ready to take on the world in her first job churning out public-relations-quality copy for the house organ of a major mega-conglomerate heavily involved with toxic chemicals, finds herself in hot, possibly poisonous water when Arthur (Gene Hackman)--a burned-out former newspaper editor still striving to deliver the truth--insists that the newsletter feature hard-hitting reports on the tragic environmental ramifications of the company’s profit-making ventures. Meanwhile, ruthless hit men hired by the corporation beat Arthur senseless, until he is rescued by a nature-loving, nunchuck-wielding environmental wacko named Kraven (Steven Seagal). Complications arise when romance blossoms--Amy is torn between Arthur’s gentle integrity and fatherly compassion and Kraven’s unhinged propensity for violence. Co-starring Janeane Garofalo as Vicki, the wise-cracking, Doc-Martens-wearing art department flunky.

“The Information Superhighway” (a.k.a. “The Briefs Brief”) Link Upshaw (Denzel Washington) is slated to become road kill when he discovers a memo from CEO Cain (John Malkovich) in corporate headquarters describing the Information Superhighway as an insidious plot to ossify the attention spans of humans everywhere by inundating them with so many superfluous, trivial sound bites so removed from any sort of context that people will become permanently addled, profoundly incapable of reading, reasoning or realizing they’re becoming the Stepford Race. Romance blossoms when Link becomes involved with an attractive young woman (Julia Roberts) who provides him with further incriminating proof against the company, but it’s not like he gets to kiss her or anything. Complications ensue when Upshaw gives the scoop to a big-city newspaper’s managing editor (Glenn Close), but she declines to bother to replate the front page to get the story in the paper in a timely fashion. Co-starring Janeane Garofalo as Montel, the conglomerate’s wise-cracking, Doc-Martens-wearing assassin.*