LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on a judge reducing the jury’s damage award in the hot-coffee suit: “He said she could have avoided injury if she had immediately applied cold McDonald’s french fries to the wound.”

The Eisenhower, the America, the Wasp and the Mt. Whitney have sailed to Haiti. Comic Argus Hamilton says that Haitian leader Raoul Cedras has taken it in stride, affixing a bumper sticker to the back of his getaway car that reads: “Ships Happen.”

In his Washington victory speech, Marion Barry thanked his family, the voters and, according to comedy writer Bob Mills, “what he fondly referred to as his crack staff.”

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Sports snorts: Hamilton, on Barry winning the Democratic nomination for Washington mayor: “Everyone laughed last year when he said he’d be back. They said the World Series would be canceled before that happened.”

Leno, on cancellation of the World Series: “This is the first time in memory that a game has been called on account of greed. . . . Now if you want to pay $20 for a hot dog and a beer, you have to go to Planet Hollywood.”

How long will the baseball strike last? Comedy writer Tony Peyser says that San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds has vowed to stay on strike “until there’s a salary cap on alimony payments.”

Mills, on Greg Norman withdrawing from this week’s golf tournament: “He’s suffering from . . . well, let’s just say he’s being treated with Preparation PGA.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Jennifer Capriati’s return to the tennis tour: “She knows the importance of a good seed. It will grow you a lot of grass.”

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L.A., home of semipro football: Leno, on the L.A. Rams’ new line of cologne: “It’s a little bit different. You wear it and the other guy scores.”

Reader George Ramos tells of two sea gulls flying over Anaheim Stadium one Sunday: “The first one says, ‘Who do you like in today’s game?’ Replied the other: ‘I just put everything I had on the Rams.’ ”

Throughout the preseason, writers and fans were unanimous about how the Raiders were certain to be going to the Super Bowl. Ben Elder wonders if they have box seats or reserved?

Reader Steve Due says the Raiders “not only can’t cut the mustard, they can’t even open the jar.”

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One afternoon, reader Matt Chicklo of Trabuco Canyon needed to tidy up his garage, so he left his 5-year-old son, Marc, to look after his 3-year-old twin brothers in the living room. Matt told Marc to come get him if things “got out of control”:

Within 15 minutes, the garage door flew open and Marc, TV clicker in hand, wailed: “Dad, come quick, the twins are out of remote control.”