LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among the Top 10 revelations in Barbara Bush’s new book, according to David Letterman:

* Once considered legally changing her name to Whoopi.

* Still swaps hair-care tips with Phil Donahue.

* George spent last six months in office wandering around White House wearing nothing but a lobster bib.

* Reagan used to keep his jelly beans and kidney stones in the same jar.

* During the Bush Administration, Air Force One was a high-flyin’ love machine.

* Dan Quayle is extremely bright; also Rush Limbaugh is extremely thin.

* Millie the dog? Gay.

Jay Leno, on Clinton’s promises for Haiti: “ . . . a new election, stimulate the economy, and help them form an honest police force. Hey, if he can do all that, forget Haiti, let’s invade New York.”

Conan O’Brien, on Haiti’s two-plane air force: “We have rock stars with more planes than that. Jimmy Buffett could take Haiti.”

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Also in the news: Tom Gorman, on O.J. evidence hearing Monday: “I feel like I’m already watching repeats. What happened to the new fall season?

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on a spokesman for Mike Huffington complaining about Republican farmers endorsing Dianne Feinstein and calling her “Cesar Chavez in pearls”: “At least when Huffington wears pearls, they always match his carpetbag.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the killer bees not invading Southern California: “Experts theorize that promised jobs in the industry just didn’t pan out.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on former President Ronald Reagan’s daughter, Patti Davis, appearing naked in a Playboy kick boxing video: “This should be a lesson for Lyle and Eric Menendez: There are plenty of ways to kill your parents without using a weapon.”

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A young evangelist, blessed with the gift of healing, worked his way down the aisle of a revival. In the third row, he demonstrated his powers by making a blind man see. Next, he made a deaf woman hear, then caused a lame woman to throw away her crutches and walk. The crowd went wild.

The faith healer reached the back row, approaching a man with a cast on his arm and his neck in a brace. As the preacher began to raise his arms, the man jumped up and stumbled backward.

“Keep your hands off me, preacher!” the man hissed. “I’m on workman’s comp.”

--Argus Hamilton

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While browsing in an upscale antique/gift shop, reader Karen Newman of L.A. overheard a man talking to his young son about a beautiful antique French box. Obviously trying to teach the boy about valuable antiques and hoping to ensure that the youngster would handle the box carefully, the father explained: “It’s very, very old.”

Without missing a beat, the lad inquired: “Is that why it’s so dusty?”