Super-scooper: Joel Rojas passed along a crime...

Super-scooper: Joel Rojas passed along a crime report from the city of Rancho Palos Verdes, which included one truly far-out incident.

“Grand Theft--The victim . . . stated that while he was home he heard a loud crash sound in his backyard,” the report said. “He looked out his back door and saw a helicopter hovering, and hoisting his patio umbrella. The helicopter flew south with his umbrella and out of view.”

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How you gonna keep Fifi down on the farm?An airline passenger who claims her poodle was flown to Nebraska instead of L.A. is suing an airline for $5 million, claiming her protests were ignored.

Cassie Hughes says in court documents that she glanced out her window before a Thanksgiving, 1993, flight from Denver and saw Fifi being loaded onto the wrong plane. Hughes’ lawsuit, which alleges false imprisonment and intentional infliction of emotional distress, says that flight attendants refused to let her off the plane.

Instead, they offered her a drink.

The dog landed in Nebraska but was returned to L.A.

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Fifi probably could have used some: With the pace of life quickening for all God’s creatures, David Goldberg of Marina del Rey has formulated a line of deodorants for dogs and cats. The speed sticks come in citrus, baby powder and eucalyptus fragrances.

“The first thing some people ask is whether they’re underarm deodorants,” said Goldberg, the owner of Petkin Pet Care Systems. Actually, they’re for the entire body.

Goldberg used to hear even stranger comments when he marketed a shampoo for stuffed toy animals: “I’ll never forget the (mail) order I got from a woman who said, ‘Please rush. I’m taking my bears camping.”

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Nonaddictive type: Joyce Crawford of Culver City, meanwhile, found a classified ad placed by someone who obviously didn’t become hooked on phonics.

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Return to sender: Our mention of nations that issue stamps bearing the faces of celebrities recalls another money-making postal suggestion by Barry Goldwater Jr. in 1980.

Goldwater, then a congressman, proposed that the U.S. Postal Service allow businesses to put their names or corporate symbols on stamps for a fee.

The idea lost favor when it was revealed that the same proposal had been made 15 years earlier--by MAD magazine.

miscelLAny In a survey of mail delivered between May 28 and Sept. 16, Long Beach received the fifth-best service in the nation. Ninety percentof the letters that were supposed to be delivered overnight to addresses in the city reached their destinations on time. In a survey earlier this year, Washington, D.C., had the worst service. Is that why some officeholders aren’t listening to their constituents?