LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the numerous photos taken of Kathleen Brown outside the Century City condo that big businesses rent for Gov. Wilson: “She’s been there so much lately that Pete gave her a key today and asked her to wait for the cable installer.”

Peyser, on Brown’s standing in the polls: “She now leads in Marin County, Humboldt County and her brother Jerry’s home planet, Zarcon.”

What do L.A.’s new subway system and the O.J. Simpson case have in common? Says comedy writer Bob Mills: “They’ve both been plagued by high costs, careless workmanship and leaks.”

Mills, on the new beer-belly reducing gel: “Animal rights activists picketed the company when they discovered the manufacturer was conducting safety tests on Norm from Cheers.”

Jay Leno, on reports that Saddam Hussein was cutting the ears off army deserters: “That shows you the difference in our cultures. In Iraq, a guy loses an ear and they know he’s a deserter. In America, you lose an ear, you’re a Supercuts customer.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Dan Quayle criticizing the President’s handling of Haiti: “Quayle would’ve avoided military involvement. He’d have called Dad.”

Ray, on Toys R Us no longer selling toy guns: “Little kids will now have to use their fingers when they want to play back-yard games such as cops and robbers, cowboys and outlaws, and school.”

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Holiday cheer . . . Leno’s Halloween costume tip for couples: “Take off all your clothes, put some hay on your back and in your hair. Then you go out as Lady Di and her riding instructor.”

Peyser, on the Heidi Fleiss costume: “It gives a whole new meaning to ‘Trick or treat.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Christmas decorations in some towns: “Not all are religious depictions. The Nativity scene in front of Beverly Hills’ courthouse shows seven lawyers surrounding a car wreck.”

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An oldie but goodie: A man went into a cocktail lounge and saw a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde in a tight-fitting body suit standing at the bar. “How ever do you get into one of those suits?” he asked.

“Well,” she replied, “we could start with a martini.”

Daffynitions . . . from the Gags Gang/Funny Stuff newsletter:

* Beverly Hills Communist: A Neiman Marxist.

* Auto Accident Lawyer: A Fender-Bender Rear-Ender Defender.

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After stringing colored beads on a rope, Downey reader J.F. Lazenby’s granddaughter proceeded to count them: “1-2-3-4-5-6-8-9-10.” Her grandmother asked, “What happened to number seven?” The girl re-examined the rope carefully, then explained:

“I didn’t put that one on.”