They Didn’t Put High in Ohio

THE COLLEGES

Who says there’s no college championship playoff?

The Bottom Ten has one this year because of a scheduling coincidence that should delight connoisseurs of the crummy.

When Akron (0-10) plays host to Ohio U. (0-10) today, it will be a meeting of the only major schools in the nation that have lost every game. It will be a dream matchup of a team with an uncommonly porous defense (Akron gives up 39.4 points a game) against one with a particularly bumbling offense (Ohio scores 7.2 points a game).

For the loser, the game will mean the Bottom Ten championship. For the winner--well, all those missed tackles, dropped passes and fumbled handoffs this year won’t mean a thing.

Rumor has it, by the way, that Gerry Faust’s status as coach of the Akron Zips is in doubt. Hence the cry of his supporters: “When One for the Zipper?”

The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Akron (0-10) 28-38, Ball State Ohio 1. Ohio (0-10) 13-24, E. Michigan Akron 3. Iowa State (0-9-1) 12-28, Nebraska Colorado 4. Arkansas State (1-9)* 3-48, Colorado State Louisiana Tech 5. Cincinnati (1-8-1) 7-38, Wisconsin Tulsa 6. Houston (1-8) 13-48, Texas Texas Tech 7. Kentucky (1-9) 14-21, NE Louisiana Tennessee 8. Louisiana Tech (2-8)* 6-27, San Jose State Arkansas State 9. Georgia Tech (1-8) 10-20, Clemson Wake Forest 10. The Smus (1-9-1) 14-35, TCU --

* Disoriented from being moved to the Big West Conference.

11. Notre Dame (one victory in last 5 weeks); 12. Kent (2-8); 13. Losing State University (2-7); 14. Temple (2-8); 15. Wake Forest (2-8) 16.-19. Pentagon (Maine Maritime, Army, Navy, Air Force) (19-19); 20. Idle.

Rout of the Week: USC over UCLA (USC defeated Cal by 61, which defeated Arizona State by 4, which defeated Oregon State by 6, which defeated UCLA by 9. Hence, USC is at least 80 points better than UCLA.)

CLOUDY CRYSTAL BALLS

Source Bum 1994 Prediction 1. Sports Illustrated Arizona to win national title. 2. USA Today/CNN UCLA 15th best in nation. 3. Pac-10 writers Oregon eighth best in conference. 4. Street & Smith Oregon 10th best in conference. 5. Bottom Ten Oregon 11th worst in nation.

THE PROS

The New Jersey Giants (3-7) have clearly become the worst team in pro football. But here’s the bad news for the Giants: Everything didn’t come apart until the second month of the season. So, their opening three victories could be an insurmountable obstacle for Bottom Ten title consideration even if they finish 3-13, which is likely.

Whatever, the Giants’ strategy to ditch Phil Simms, the veteran quarterback who led them to an 11-5 record, in favor of two panicky understudies deserves special mention.

Nor should the non-accomplishments of the Grampa Bay Buccaneers (2-8) be overlooked. They just cinched a 12th consecutive non-winning record.

For now, though, the leader is relentlessly inept Houston (1-9), which is staging one of the all-time turnarounds after a 12-4 finish in 1993. Say, wasn’t the firing of offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride a slap in the face?

The rankings:

KENTUCKY FRIED CONFERENCE (KFC)

Team Last Loss Next Loss 1. Houston (1-9) 31-34, Cincinnati N.J. Giants 2. N.J. Giants (3-7) 9-10, Arizona Houston 3. Tampa (2-8) 9-14, Detroit Seattle 4. Seattle (3-7) 10-17, Denver Tampa Bay 5. Miami (1-9)* Tails Not Disclosed 6. L.A. Lambs (4-6) 17-20, Raiders San Francisco

* Record in opening-game coin flips; Dolphins say this is one reason the team has not scored a touchdown in the first quarter (this is not a joke).

All-Time Crummy Monday Night Game of the Week: Houston (1-9) vs. N.J. Giants (3-7) (as if Dan Dierdorf’s nonstop talking wasn’t bad enough!).

Bad reception: Ex-Denver receiver Steve Watson was fired as co-host of a TV show, “Denver Huddle,” after violating a rule against on-air endorsements. Watson wished Colorado Gov. Roy Romer luck before the election. Romer won; Watson lost.