LAUGH LINES : And the Beat Goes On to Oval Office

On Jan. 20, 1997, a bright but wintry Monday morning, regular CBS network television programming was preempted by Connie Chung-Gingrich, whose quickie Las Vegas divorce and Lucky 7-11 Chapel of Love wedding to a prominent legislator had recently astounded viewers and voters alike.

Reporting live from Washington, and interrupting a daytime drama on which Susan Lucci’s lover was caught having an affair with several of her evil quintuplets, Chung-Gingrich said: “Good morning, and welcome to the inauguration of the 43rd President of the United States.

“Salvatore (Sonny) Bono, the relatively inexperienced Republican congressman whose meteoric rise in political circles led to a stunning landslide victory last November, today will be sworn in as commander in chief of American forces and de facto leader of the free world.

“Mr. Bono thus becomes the second professional entertainer elected to this country’s highest office since 1980, although President Clinton, unlike President Ronald Reagan and President-elect Bono, has been to our knowledge the only one since Richard Nixon who could actually play a musical instrument.

“Riding a groundswell of popular response to his ‘We Got the U.S.A., Babe’ campaign slogan, Mr. Bono, who will turn 62 next month, generated surprising appeal among the nation’s young people, in spite of the fact that he was old enough to be his opponent’s father.

“Deriding throughout his campaign President Clinton’s taste in music, particularly Fleetwood Mac, and holding him responsible for America becoming a nation of, quote-unquote, ‘Gypsies, tramps and thieves,’ Mr. Bono overwhelmingly received his party’s nomination on the first ballot, despite considerable opposition from the Gypsy community.

“As you recall, President-elect Bono celebrated his victory on Election Night by partying in Palm Springs with family members, campaign workers and Vice President-elect Huffington, and later revealed to Jay Leno that he still intended to keep his singing engagement Dec. 29-31 at Harrah’s Casino in Lake Tahoe.”

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Excerpts From President Bono’s speech:

“You’d better sit down, kids. I’ve got something to say.

“As President of the United States of America, my first official act is to say, this is really cool.

“Second, I would like to ask the Washington Post to quit running that stupid ‘60s photograph of me in the leopard-skin coat with the fur collar. Come on, have some respect for the office.

“Third, I know most of you are worried about jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs. But before we find jobs, first we have to find love.

“You know, they say our love won’t pay the rent, that before it’s earned, our money’s all been spent.

“Well, I don’t know if all that’s true, but you got me, and baby, I got you.

“Babe. We got the U.S.A., babe. We got the U.S.A., babe.”

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Excerpts from President Bono’s interview on CBS:

Chung-Gingrich: Did you always want to be President?

President Bono: No, I wanted to win a Grammy.

C-G: Your meteoric rise in political circles. . . .

PB: That’s twice you’ve said that today, Connie. Meteors don’t rise. Meteors fall. Who writes your stuff?

C-G: Have you heard from Cher lately?

PB: No, but some girlfriend of hers offered to do my hair for $200.

C-G: How do you really feel about Cher?

PB: I can’t say.

C-G: Just between you and me?