LAUGH LINES : Jokes

O.J. Fray: “The alternate juror’s face was shown on TV, but she is partly to blame. She forgot to wear the court-supplied blue face dot.” (Gary Easley)

* “The camera operator admitted the mistake. He was actually trying to get a shot of the guy in the rainbow wig holding the ‘John 3:16’ sign.” (John Shannon)

* “The jury includes an airline employee, an Amtrak engineer and a postal worker. Sequestering them for six months is not just to ensure a fair trial--it’s a public service.” (Paul Ryan)

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Union discord: “During the State of the Union address, President Clinton talked about what has been on everyone’s mind for the last few months. He said he will be watching the Simpson trial too.” (Terry Heath)

* “Clinton saluted Newt Gingrich for working with Jimmy Carter’s Habitat for Humanity, the organization that builds houses for the poor. The Republicans do it differently. They build tax shelters.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Halfway through the speech, you could see the shifting of power. Gingrich tapped Clinton on the shoulder and asked him to run out and get his mom a pack of cigarettes.” (Tony Peyser)

Among Shannon’s Top 10 things overheard in the House during the speech:

* “You should have thought of that before you came in.”

* “No, Sen. Thurmond, I don’t think it would be appropriate to start the wave.”

* “This place is a whole lot more fun on karaoke night.”

* “Behind the President? Well, that’s Vice President Gore on the left and . . . geez! Tom Foley’s put on weight!”

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In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the Super Bowl: “The San Francisco 49ers held their first postseason practice in Miami, while the San Diego Chargers arrived safely in Lourdes.”

Comedy writer Jon Michaels, on Manhattan’s new Fashion Cafe run by famous models: “The food is so bad that you’ll wish you are anorexic.”

Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness says a recent poll reveals most men love looking at lingerie catalogues but are too embarrassed to go into a store to buy the stuff. “Richard Simmons agrees it can be very hard. They never have the frilly stuff in boy’s ‘husky.’ ”

Comic Jenny Church, on the Mississippi Legislature finally deciding to ratify the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery: “Things got heated. Riot police were called in, and some white male lawmakers were dragged, kicking and screaming, into the 19th Century.”

Ryan, on the New York woman who had a doctor extract sperm from her dead husband so she could have a child: “Actually, it was his last wish. When she said she wanted kids, he said, ‘Over my dead body.’ ”

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Reader Julie Weight-Blackford was watching the State of the Union address with her husband and son William, 9. As William stopped to listen, the President talked about providing immunization, school lunches, Head Start programs, medical care and programs for seniors. After listening for a while, the boy interjected:

“All for one low price at Vons!”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.