LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan on The Book : “There is good news and bad news for O. J. Everyone’s buying the book; no one’s buying the story.”

Ryan, on Kmart wanting to sell beer: “It’s a good marketing strategy. After a few drinks, you start to believe Jaclyn Smith might actually wear those clothes.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the New Jersey governor naming an interstate rest stop after Howard Stern: “This isn’t what the people of the state meant when they said Howard should give it a rest.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the House passing the balanced budget amendment: “Proponents say the measure will abolish excessive government spending--just like the 21st Amendment wiped out drinking.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the drunk passenger who punched a USAir co-pilot because he wanted to get off a flight before it took off: “The fracas became so nasty that it almost woke up the pilot.”

Adds Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness: “The passenger originally became hostile when he found out the in-flight movie was ‘Junior.’ ”

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Also in the news: Mills, on the earliest-known Mickey Mouse drawings being donated to the Museum of Cartoon Art in Florida: “The sketches are from 1927 and depict Mickey advising Walt Disney to never build a theme park in France.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Disney’s plan to reduce theme-park costs by $100 million: “For starters, Peter Pan can no longer fly. He must take the stairs.”

Church, on the 100-year-old woman who threw the shotput in Oklahoma’s Sooner State Games: “She tried out for coxswain of the rowing team, but whenever she’d yell, ‘Stroke, stroke,’ someone would give her CPR.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Chevy Chase’s arrest last week for DUI: “He had a .18 blood alcohol level. Ironically, that is a higher rating than his Fox talk show ever got.”

Comedy writer Terry Heath, on the Super Bore: “The game was such a blowout that even the guy with the John 3:16 sign was praying it would be stopped.”

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A young woman hurried from her office to the corner drug store for lunch. After placing her order, she got out a pack of cigarettes. As she prepared to light up, an elderly woman sitting next to her watched for a moment, then said in disgust: “I would rather commit adultery than smoke a cigarette.”

“So would I,” said the young woman, “but I only have 45 minutes for lunch.”

-- Grace MacCrea, L. A.

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As Agoura Hills reader Cindy Lieberman drove her son, Michael, 9, to school during a recent storm, he commented on how hard it was raining and asked her to stay home. Touched by his concern, Lieberman told him not to worry and assured him she’d be careful.

“Oh, I’m not worried Mom,” he replied. “I just figured that if you were staying home, I could have your umbrella.”