Is he more weighty than a Gramm?...

Is he more weighty than a Gramm? The 1996 presidential race is really heating up. A White House hopeful by the name of Shear’Ree recently held a press conference in Hollywood to proclaim that he was “the strongest presidential candidate ever.” On what basis? He says he has bench-pressed “over 700 pounds.”

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The mail of the species: Mensa member Jon Erik Beckjord says it was “a cheap shot” when we poked fun at the high-IQ group for mailing a postcard with insufficient postage.

“I never forget to put on stamps,” he says by way of example. “I do have a lot of mail returned but only because, for some reason, the stamps fall off.”

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It didn’t hurt a bit: Dorothy Morey of Glendora snapped a photo of a business that will be involved in openings every day.

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Trying to unmask Kemo Sabe: As to whether Tonto’s term for the Lone Ranger meant “trusted scout” or was just an expression made up by Hollywood writers, UCLA professor Henry Hespenheide has another theory:

“I have always thought the phrase ‘Kemo Sabe’ was just an inaccurate version of the Spanish phrase, ‘Quien sabe?’ (‘Who knows?’). For those of us whose knowledge of Spanish is minimal . . . it is a useful expression to use when trying to conceal a linguistic inability to answer a question.”

Hmmm. That would certainly alter the meaning if, for instance, Tonto said: “You are a noble man, Kemo Sabe.” Maybe Tonto has been delivering digs at the Lone Ranger all along.

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Say it ain’t so, Tonto: For another view, Elyse Versee reminded us of the Far Side cartoon that shows the Lone Ranger consulting an “Indian dictionary” and saying: “Ah, here it is. ‘Kemo Sabe--Apache expression for horse’s rear end.’ ”

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Kicked by a Trojan horse: We shouldn’t have mentioned that we were using an instrument called a Nasal Douche for our sinus condition in the same column in which we joked about a computer program that shows USC students misspelling Southern California.

We heard from some angry Trojans, one of whom suggested a better use for our Nasal Douche. Hey, we thought we were just evening the intersectional score after publishing a photo of a sign at UCLA that said, RUIN WALK. And didn’t USC just win a Nobel Prize for chemistry a few months ago?

Anyway, to the insulting Trojan who left the message on our machine, we can only say, “Let’s be friends, Kemo Sabe.”

miscelLAny “Driveways of the Rich and Famous” is the public access TV show that has landed numerous exclusive interviews. Who can forget the momentous utterance on the show by Madonna: “Hey, you’re on my driveway!” Now, host John Cunningham informs us the show is staking out a new driveway--the one entering the Downtown Men’s Central Jail, where O.J. Simpson is being held.