LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Dennis Miller, on the GOP backing away from its tough anti-abortion stance: “House Speaker Newt Gingrich said a constitutional ban on abortion would just send women into back alleys, where they’d disrupt Republican congressmen making shady book deals.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on The Newt and Sens. Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms advocating abolishing the Department of Education: “They figure that if their home states can get along without one, so can the whole country.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Gov. Pete postponing the announcement of his presidential candidacy: “Wilson’s waiting until he gets the OK from his throat doctor, and the ‘real story’ about that maid situation from his spin doctor.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the looks of the new Nixon stamp: “What a collector’s item. With the cancellation mark over his face, they’ve got him behind bars at last.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on experts naming Los Angeles the recycling capital of the United States: “But so much for TV sitcoms. How are we doing with newspaper and glass?”

Jay Leno, on the 23-year-old Italian man who emerged from a coma after four years of caressing, rubbing and massaging by his girlfriend: “Like he wasn’t pretending to be asleep?”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on women golfers wanting CBS analyst Ben Wright off the tour: “You can understand their frustration. He’s just one more boob that gets in the way.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the new submarine movie “Crimson Tide” raking in $18.8 million at the box office during its first weekend: “Haven’t seen that many sweaty men since Heidi Fleiss promised to name names.”

Cutler, on David Letterman’s “Late Show” broadcasting this week from London: “This is his show’s first from a strange and foreign land. Well, second if you count Los Angeles.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The defense and prosecution have dramatically different DNA statistics. Defense experts say the killer’s DNA is shared by one in every 1,000 people. Prosecutors got it narrowed to either O.J. or a Mongolian sheep farmer.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “Kato Kaelin was scheduled to make a surprise appearance on the ‘Tonight Show’ with Jay Leno on Monday. I thought Letterman did the Stupid Pet Tricks.” (Cutler)

* “Johnnie Cochran tried to cheer O.J. up by putting the DNA statistics in football terms: ‘Look, imagine that it is fourth and goal. We need a touchdown and the ball is on the 170-million yard line.’ ” (Leno)

* “A legal analyst said now is the time for the defense to put up or shut up. I vote for shut up.” (Leno)

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J.R. Cline was hosting a group of grade-school girls on Take Our Daughters to Work Day. When one asked where she’d gone to school, Cline, 40, said she was still in school, currently attending UCLA. While most of the group seemed puzzled and amazed by that, one brave 9-year-old boldly asked:

“Wow, how many times did you flunk?”