LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the latest White House intruder tackled by guards as he sprinted across the lawn: “If they hadn’t recognized Roger Clinton’s guitar, he might have been shot.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on AT&T;’s union contract talks: “Labor rejected management’s original salary terms. Operators would make 40% less during off-peak hours.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on morning sickness as a sign of healthy pregnancy: “Perhaps, but it could mean the clock radio’s set to Howard Stern.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on proposed assistance for Malibu fire and flood victims: “Some say they don’t deserve government bailout, but if it weren’t for the disasters, many over-the-hill actors wouldn’t be seen on TV at all.”

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That’s Entertainment: Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the long-awaited “The Bridges of Madison County” film: “There was one line Clint Eastwood decided not to use during filming: ‘Go ahead, make my bed.’ ”

Adds Cutler Rock Comedy Network: “The movie’s about a photojournalist who steals a local housewife’s heart, but a new flick may be in the works: ‘Todd Bridges of Madison County,’ about a former child actor who steals a local housewife’s jewelry.”

Comedy writer Russ Myers, on “Casper,” the movie: “People who live in D.C. are so self-involved. They thought it was a documentary about former Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger.”

Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness, on Oprah Winfrey’s fear of having children: “She’s afraid they’ll end up on her show one day, bad-mouthing her.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Michael Jackson’s new $14-million music video: “It features a 21st-Century courtroom scene: There’s only one juror left and Barry Scheck just keeps going . . . and going . . . and going.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Judge Ito decided not to allow weekend court sessions due to the excessive costs. It seems the court’s budget hit its limit with the front row ‘Miss Saigon’ tickets.” (Brad Halpern)

* “The latest polls show 61% of Americans think O.J. did it. The sad part: It took Johnnie Cochran an hour to talk O.J. out of voting yes .” (Mills)

* “Ito will add 90 minutes of court time three days a week. To make sure it feels longer, defense questioning on these days will be done by Peter Neufeld.” (Peyser)

* “Cochran flatly denied the possibility of a plea bargain but said he and Robert Shapiro are willing to deal on all offers for O.J.’s house.” (Halpern)

* “A tabloid report claims Marcia Clark ended a romance with Alan Greisman. They just weren’t a good match--according to two different labs.” (Church)

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While eating breakfast with children Kyle and Kaitlin, Redlands reader Robb Rice asked his son how old he’d be on his upcoming birthday. The boy held up three fingers. His sister followed suit by counting out five fingers and said to her father:

“Hey Dad, look! I’m going to be a handful.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.