LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the new U.S. trade agreement with Japan: “When the final deal was reached, it was signaled by white smoke rising over a Benihana of Tokyo.”

* Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “Trade rep Mickey Kantor didn’t blink, so U.S. companies can now start selling cars in Tokyo. The downside is that the deal only covers L.A.’s Little Tokyo.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Unabomber’s letter threatening to blow up a plane leaving LAX: “City officials stayed calm. Police Chief Willie L. Williams even flew to Las Vegas to show that it’s safe.”

* Adds Mills: “Security at LAX is so stringent, even in-flight meals were electronically scanned for suspicious ingredients--such as flavor.”

* Adds comedy writer Paul Ecker: “One man was found to have a bomb in his possession, but he was released after guards realized it was just a Fox-TV executive with a pilot show for the fall schedule.”

Peyser, on the House approving a proposed constitutional amendment against desecrating the flag: “Unfortunately, it doesn’t include politicians who shamelessly wrap themselves in it.”

* Adds comedy writer Paul Ryan: “The Newt celebrated the amendment’s passage by setting fire to the Bill of Rights.”

Jay Leno, on the Clinton campaign’s new television commercial: “I like the new slogan: Give us four more years and we’ll take off the weight .”

Reader Tim Bradley, on the Hollywood Boulevard cave-in: “MTA engineers are busy pumping in barrels of Prozac so it won’t sink any deeper.”

Reader Debra Clark, on Erik Menendez’s lawyer, Leslie Abramson, signing a deal with Fox to host her own interview show: “Her show will be different from others saturating the market. She will charge each guest $100 an hour.”

Leno, on Wednesday’s NBA draft: “As usual, Madonna got the first pick.”

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Sunset Strip? . . . “When the shuttle Atlantis docked with the Russian space station Mir, it was the first merging of foreign and U.S. components since Hugh Grant visited Sunset Boulevard.” (Alan Ray)

* “So Grant goes messing around behind the back of his beautiful lady, looking for sex from another woman. Who does the guy think he is, Prince Charles?” (Gary Moore, 93FM)

* “Why do people keep hammering on prostitution? It’s the only industry that isn’t leaving L.A.” (Hamilton)

* “Police refused to say what particular lewd act Grant and alleged prostitute Divine Brown are accused of. They did say, however, that only one was charged with a moving violation.”

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Riverside reader Brenda Allison took son Joshua, 3, to lunch with some people from their church. When the boy asked one woman her name, she replied, “Mary.” After staring at her for a long time, Joshua finally spoke again:

“Do you have any little lambs?”