LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the Newt: The House Ethics Committee will be investigating Speaker Gingrich’s publishing agreement with Rupert Murdoch:

* “Criminalists have been going over every detail of the book deal with microscopes, hunting for Newt’s moral fiber.” (Jenny Church)

* “It’s about time Newt and ethics were introduced.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “If the committee throws the book at him, he’ll probably just try to sign it.” (Tony Peyser)

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Political watch: Peyser, on former Education Secretary William Bennett’s charge that GOP presidential candidate Pat Buchanan is “flirting with fascism”: “Mr. Buchanan is not flirting with fascism. They’re going steady.”

Cutler, on Rep. Bob Dornan suggesting he might drop out of the presidential race because of a lack of money and a campaign organization: “He’s had no trouble, however, attracting psychotherapists willing to volunteer their services.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Sen. Bob Dole’s strong support from the religious right: “It’s gone to his head. Last week, he began calling up Dial-A-Prayer and asking for messages.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “On Sunday, O.J. celebrated his 48th birthday in jail. Johnnie Cochran surprised him with a gift he’d been praying for--a new alibi.” (Bob Mills)

* “Things got tense when someone gave O.J. a Michael Bolton CD.” (Cutler)

* “The defense opened its case with one burning question: Can O.J. get his Emmy nomination without taking the stand?” (Bill Williams)

* “The prosecution’s case stunk so bad, even the bomb-sniffing dogs turned up their noses.” (Church)

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News briefs: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on critics panning “Congo”: “Some question the special effects. If producers wanted a mechanical moving ape-like creature, why didn’t they just hire Stallone?”

Mills, on a judge allowing a group of history buffs to exhume the body of Jesse James to confirm his identity: “They wanted to dig up Billy the Kid too. But in juvenile court, graves must remain sealed.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on “Spray You Thin,” a weight-reduction mouth spray: “Your breath smells so bad, waiters refuse to take your order.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on a new therapy for impotence that is injected into the penis: “Most males regain potency within five to 20 minutes. But it still takes about an hour to regain consciousness.”

* Adds Hamilton: “It’s called Caverject. And, wouldn’t you know, it’s made by Upjohn.”

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Thousand Oaks reader Jon Gudjohnsen’s daughter, Katelyn, received for her fifth birthday a Barbie doll, complete with a detachable ponytail.

“Look, Dad, her hair hooks on,” Katelyn remarked. “She’s a hooker Barbie.”