LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton’s desire to install “v-chips” in new TV sets: “Not only is it able to block out gratuitous sex and nudity, any time the chip hears ‘this just in from L.A.,’ the set turns off automatically.”

Hamilton, on Newt Gingrich’s whirlwind tour promoting his vision of America: “He’s catching a lot of heat. Many see him as arrogant, self-seeking and heartless, but what does his family know?”

Premiere Morning Sickness, on Pope John Paul II’s U.S tour planned for fall ‘95: “The tour is set to include a stop at Giants Stadium in New Jersey. However, it may be interrupted due to the Pope’s ongoing feud with Ticketmaster.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on reported record earnings for the airline industry: “Apparently, $4 a pop for those cheesy headphones really adds up.”

Comic Jenny Church, on CBS’ move to bump “Murder, She Wrote” to 8 p.m. Thursday nights: “When the schedule change gives senior viewers a heart attack, at least it’ll be near ‘ER.’ ”

Reader Jim Whalen, on Sunset Boulevard solicitation arrests: “Johns are claiming entrapment. They say the hottest women on the streets are LAPD officers.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Hillary Clinton’s high school class of ’65 reunion: “What was a reality 30 years ago was unthinkable then, such as women on the Supreme Court, the fall of the iron curtain and six Cleveland Indians on the All-Star team.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the All-Star game: “Most players reached the big show traveling the same path: single A, double A, Betty Ford, majors.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Some theorized that family members wore yellow as a show of solidarity. Not true. They just wanted to match O.J.’s jumpsuit during visiting hours.” (Bob Mills)

* “That many members of a single family haven’t given their testimonies since the Pat Boone clan went gospel.” (Cutler)

* “O.J.’s sister testified that her brother’s pal Ron Shipp was drunk the night after Nicole Brown’s murder. She alleged that this Shipp couldn’t hold water . . . but maybe a six-pack of Budweiser.” (Paul Ecker)

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Among the worst-selling bumper stickers of all time, according to Kevin S. Healey:

* “Honk If You’re Incontinent”

* “My Child Beat Up the Student of the Week at Franklin Elementary.”

* “Have You Hugged Your Attorney Today?”

* “Quayle in ’96.”

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Hawthorne reader Adrienne Reaser drove her 2-year-old twin girls Amy and Allison past the Air Force base where their father worked. Several uniformed servicemen were milling about, prompting Amy to say to her sister:

“Look, a bunch of daddies!”