Keep your shirt on:Bowing to scientific warnings,...

Keep your shirt on:

Bowing to scientific warnings, the latest newsletter for Topanga’s Elysium nudist colony informs members: “Wise use of sunscreens is advocated, as is the use of hats, and, yes, even T-shirts to shade/cover yourself to keep from getting too much sun.”

No mention of donning pants, though. Perhaps that would be a political statement.

RODENTS, BANANAS AND MICROWAVES: We previously discussed the Rodent’s Newsletter, a satirical work by an anonymous local lawyer who dispenses such wise-guy advice as:

“Clients should be made to wait at least a day or two before their calls are returned. Otherwise, they might start to think you are at their beck and call.”

The rat has plenty of company when it comes to offbeat newsletters. Charles Downey of Big Bear City sent a humorous article he wrote for Kiwanis magazine that cited several examples, including:

* The Woddis Newsletter of the International Banana Club of Pasadena, which publishes articles about banana recipes and banana artifacts. It contends that the world is “going bananas.”

* Quagmire, a Santa Barbara newsletter that lampoons excessive rules and regulations. Editor Dale Lowdermilk points out that 99% of all aircraft accidents could be averted if aircraft were required to taxi to their destinations. We’re sorry to say that there’s evidence of a feud between his newsletter and the Banana Club’s publication. Quagmire advocates warning labels on all bananas.

* The Do(o)little Report, a Fairport, N.Y., publication for women that discusses the strange ways of men. Downey included examples of such industrious types as “a guy who dries his undergarments in the microwave at 30 seconds on the high setting,” one who pours detergent on his dirty jeans while wearing them in the shower and another who ties sponges to his feet so he can clean the floor while fixing dinner.

SIGN OF AN EMPLOYEE REVOLT? From the message on the marquee at a Sunset Boulevard theater, one could deduce that the new boss is an annoying individual (see photo).

HARD (CORE) DRIVE?A colleague of ours, who was having trouble with a Macintosh home computer, phoned the company’s assistance line at (800) SOS-APPL.

A voice purred: “Hi, Sexy. You’ve just connected to the hottest cat line in America. . . . Our one-of-a-kind service lets you choose your own phone fantasy.”

What our colleague had done was punch a zero instead of the letter O in dialing SOS.

An Apple spokeswoman said the company has heard from several customers and is investigating the situation. At least Apple knows where to call.

CANCELED BUT NOT FORGOTTEN: Daniel Roebuck, the actor who played Jay Leno in HBO’s “The Late Shift,” seems to have adopted a bit of the comic’s attitude. Asked if he’d want his own talk show, Roebuck confessed to the New York Daily News: “I certainly don’t think I could do it as well as anyone who does it now. Except maybe Chevy Chase.”

miscelLAny:

A note to the reader who asked about the adjacent billboards in Hollywood for Frederick’s of Hollywood and for scantily clad Angelyne. We checked and no mistake was made. The caption, “50 Years Old and Still Turning Heads,” is supposed to be on the Frederick’s billboard.