Punch Lines

Pass the remote: It’s sad to think that the president is preparing for the last campaign of his career, says Argus Hamilton. “After 2000, Bill Clinton may have nothing to do for 50 years but sit home and watch all that G-rated TV he’s calling for. God never misses a trick.”

The U.S. Department of Education is spending tax dollars to close-caption several TV shows, including “Baywatch”:

* “There’s dialogue?” (Gary Easley)

* “Now, when Pamela Lee runs on the beach, the words ‘jiggle and bounce’ will appear on the screen.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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In the news: Two more congressmen say they won’t seek reelection, bringing the exodus to 41. Says Jenny Church, “Talk about an empty House--it’s like a screening of ‘Waterworld.’ ”

Tennessee is considering legislation that would punish any teacher who teaches evolution as fact:

* “Clearly it isn’t, because the Tennessee Legislature hasn’t evolved a bit in 50 years.” (Steve Tatham)

* “They must think the Scopes trial was a test of leading mouthwashes.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

A Florida legislator who claims to be a family-values kind of guy was arrested for having sex with a prostitute in his car. Says Paul Steinberg, “In his defense, the car was one of those station wagons with wood paneling on the sides.”

A canine spacesuit developed by Russian scientists in 1959 is expected to fetch up to $15,000 at auction. Says Bob Mills, “Unfortunately, a leash developed by NASA snapped during test demonstrations.”

Baseball teams have begun spring training. You know what that means, says the Olympia Daily World. “Vendors are cooking up those fresh hot dogs right now for opening day.”

A survey shows that the average American is in a bad mood 110 days of each year. Says Paul Ryan, “Coincidentally, that’s the same number of days the kids are out on summer vacation.”

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Ring around the palace: Prince Charles wants a gag order on Princess Di so she’ll stop yakking to the press about their impending divorce:

* “Di says as long as the gags are made by Armani, she’ll wear them.” (Premiere)

* “What kind of idiot puts a gag order on a woman with bulimia?” (Hamilton)

The princess wants them to appear together on public TV to explain their marital rift. “What’s to explain?” asks Jay Leno. “I think most people realize it’s hard to make a marriage work when both parties are dating other people.”

Queen Elizabeth is upset about all the tabloid stories, says Gary Moore. “She says she’s having a hard time concentrating on doing nothing all day.”

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Reader Bill Farber of Redondo Beach was encouraging his granddaughter Erin, 4, to count to 10. She counted to five, then stopped. “What about six?” he asked. She firmly replied:

“Oh, I don’t do six.”