Why Not Call It Sorry-cuse?

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. —  OK, say it. Go on. I dare you. Come on, bravehearts. Don’t wimp out. Show some guts. Kentucky plays Syracuse for the national championship Monday night, and Syracuse . . . can’t win.

Can. Not. Win.

It’ll be bad. It’ll be ugly. It’ll be the most horrible thing CBS has ever telecast on a Monday night, not counting the Nanny’s voice.

Kentucky, a team that has topped 100 points nine times, goes against Syracuse, which hasn’t hit a hundred all season. I make Monday’s final score: Kentucky 101, Syracuse, oh, be nice, let’s say 70.

Get your orange jokes ready. Orangemen crushed. Orangemen squeezed. Orangemen beaten to pulp. Orange you sorry you didn’t make a bet?

This one’s a no-brainer. Kentucky by at least 30 lengths, like Secretariat. Most lopsided final ever. Worse than UNLV 103, Duke 73 (1990). Worse than UCLA 78, North Carolina 55 (1968). Worse than Stanford 53, Dartmouth 38 (1942). (Dartmouth???) You read it here first.

Worst. Final. Ever.

Nothing personal, Syracuse. You gave us 121 NBA draft picks, including 36 first-rounders. (Dave Bing, Derrick Coleman, Rony Seikaly.) You crank out nice sportscasters. (Bob Costas, Marv Albert, Mike Tirico.) Your team beat strong opponents (Arizona, Georgetown, Kansas) this season, as well as, uh, not-so- strong opponents. (Columbia???)

However, your team also lost to Miami by nine, to West Virginia by 12, to Massachusetts by 18, to Connecticut by 18, to Georgetown by 19. Eight games, you lost.

I congratulate you on getting this far.

I salute Coach Jim (I May Not Be a Good Coach, But Don’t Call Me a Bad Coach) Boeheim on a job well done.

I applaud what you did here Saturday, defeating Mississippi State in the first game I’ve seen outside of a YMCA in which the substitutes combined for a total of two points.

Thanks for coming.

Now, check out of your hotel in the Big Apple, you Big Orange, before you get mugged by Kentucky.

Look, I know anything’s theoretically possible. I was there in Albuquerque 13 years ago when Houston and Louisville looked to be the best teams in college basketball, by far, before North Carolina State won the title and Coach Jim Valvano apparently invented the words “never give up,” previously thought to have been invented by Napoleon Bonaparte or General Custer.

In the nightcap of Saturday’s doubleheader, both teams, Kentucky and Massachusetts, looked superior to Syracuse’s . . . and I didn’t think either Kentucky or UMass played anywhere near as well as it can.

As Boeheim watched the game from press row--Boeheimwatch?--he must have had a sinking feeling.

Massachusetts, the “refuse to lose” gang, lost.

The same Massachusetts that beat both Kentucky and Syracuse this season.

There were Rick Pitino’s clawing little Wildcats, dressed in those off-blue uniforms of theirs that look like a ’57 Chevy’s seat covers, totally outplaying a UMass squad that had already whipped Syracuse by 18. Swarming, storming, setting picks with the impact of sumo wrestlers . . . oh, man, Rickie P’s team can really play, baby! They play like the Knicks, baby!

After making all the right moves, Pitino said all the right things: “In no way do we underestimate Syracuse,” for example.

And why should he?

He’s got me to do it for him.

I hereby underestimate Syracuse. I say this one’s over before it’s over. I say Lazarus Sims, John Wallace, Otis Hill, Todd Burgan and Jason Cipolla show up Monday, stand for the anthem, tuck their shirts into their baggy pants and fall behind, 25-5, after a few minutes. I say Syracuse has as much chance coming away from the Meadowlands victorious as Jimmy Hoffa.

Doing some doodling, I counted 32 schools--half the NCAA field of 64--as likely as Syracuse to win this championship. Schools with a definite chance (Kentucky, UMass, UConn, Kansas, Cincinnati, Arizona, Georgetown, Georgia Tech, Villanova, Purdue, UCLA, Memphis, North Carolina, Louisville); a probable chance (Arkansas, Utah, Marquette, Wake Forest, Iowa, Iowa State, Maryland, Michigan, Mississippi State, Virginia Tech, Georgia, George Washington) or a possible chance (Texas Tech, Indiana, Penn State, Boston College, California, Duke).

Syracuse was a possible.

An eight-time loser. Fourth seed in its own conference tournament. Four-point winner at home over Notre Dame. (Notre Dame???)

Forget it. Case closed. Kentucky wins.

By. A. Lot.