Punch Lines

In the news: Within the past week, news cameras caught both President Clinton and Bob Dole in shorts. Says Argus Hamilton, “TV viewers have seen enough. So far, the call-in vote is 100% against the idea of a swimsuit competition.”

Scandal over a video made for the Republican National Committee comes as three former employees are suing, claiming that party headquarters is a hotbed of lewd behavior, racism and gay-bashing. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “That’s like working at Baskin-Robbins and complaining about the calories.”

The FDA has approved two generic, less expensive versions of the hair restorer Rogaine. Says Kenny Noble, “They’re targeted at men who suffer from male-pattern indebtedness.”

A 7-year-old Northern California girl will attempt to fly a plane across the country and back. Says Alan Ray, “She’ll have her dad along to answer the typical questions: ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ ”

AirTouch Communications and Cellular Communications hope to seal their $1.65-billion merger soon. Says Bob Mills, “Unfortunately, every time their lawyers try to arrange a meeting for the signing, one of them drives under a bridge and the phone goes dead.”

The Academy of Country Music named Santa Ana’s Crazy Horse Steak House as its country nightclub of the year. Says Paul Ecker, “It beat out last year’s winner, the Mad Cow Corral.”

Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner celebrated his 70th birthday this week. It put him in a reflective mood, says Hamilton: “He knows it’s a long, long way from Miss May to Miss December.”

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Montana madness: Between the ‘freemen’ and the Unabomber suspect, Montana is getting a reputation as a haven for kooks and government insurgents. Says Alex Pearlstein, “In fact, there are so many paranoids there, they’re thinking of changing the state motto to ‘Big Sky Is Falling Country.’ ”

* “The FBI found the bomber suspect on a long list of heavily armed recluses with a grudge against the U.S. government. It was the Montana White Pages.” (Hamilton)

* “Some folks are trying to contradict that image. Even Joe Montana is now insisting he never threw any long bombs.” (Pearlstein)

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He may not be grateful . . . The ashes of Jerry Garcia were scattered over India’s Ganges River:

* “His first choice was the Dead Sea.” (Cutler)

* “Soon after, local residents swear they spotted a school of fish giggling and scarfing down Twinkies.” (Pearlstein)

* “Friends and family mourned the loss. Those ashes had a street value of $3 million.” (Ray)

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Reader Henrietta Fluster of Monterey Park says that during a recent kidnapping scare in Washington state, her daughter-in-law was explaining to son Dylan, 4, what was meant by “kidnapping.” She told him sometimes bad people take kids. Dylan interrupted to ask:

“Do they make you take a nap too?”