Punch Lines

Twistin’ the night away: The movie “Twister” is such a hit that studio execs are planning other disaster films, says Brad Halpern. “So far they’ve scheduled ‘Hurricane,’ ‘Monsoon’ and ‘Social Security.’ ”

* “It’s a real nightmare--swarms of political consultants just spinning and spinning. . . .” (Jenny Church)

* “There’s only one force greater than a tornado that packs ferocious wind and can destroy average American homes in the blink of an eye. It’s called Congress.” (Alan Ray)

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In the news: There was a major accident in Washington, says Jay Leno. “It seems President Clinton was moving to the right and Bob Dole was moving to the left and they collided. Almost knocked each other out.”

Pat Buchanan described Republican discord as looking “like the final scene of ‘Hamlet.’ ” Says Church, “His latest campaign speech goes ‘GOP or not GOP? That is the question.’ ”

A vice squad raided a dollar-a-game pinochle party in Carson and arrested eight seniors. Says Alex Pearlstein, “At first they had the wrong address. So they apologized to the guys at the crack house and headed next door to the pinochle parlor.”

* Adds Ray, “It turned into a shouting match. The cops read them their rights.”

McDonald’s is really pushing that new Arch Deluxe burger, Says Alex Kaseberg, “The bad news is, with 30 grams of fat ‘arch’ stands for Arteriosclerosis Rapidly Clogging Hearts.”

A new caffeinated water called WaterJoe will soon hit the market. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “For an extra dollar, it will also be available in decaf. Other new products include Frozen Water and an exciting new Instant Water (just add water)!”

Engineers studying damage from subway tunneling say Hollywood Boulevard has sunk 9 inches. Says Argus Hamilton, “As far as Hollywood has sunk in the past 50 years, what’s another 9 inches?”

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Piccadilly Cirque du O.J.: It’s off to England for O.J. Simpson for golf and a visit to Oxford:

* “After he teed off, a spectator shouted ‘Bloody good!’--to which O.J. replied ‘Fuhrman planted it!’ ” (Paul Ecker)

* “Oxford? What’s he going there on, a Rogue’s Scholarship?” (Russ Myers)

* “The Queen is very excited. She’s hoping to set him up with Diana.” (Kaseberg)

* “He kind of feels he has something in common with royalty--especially Henry VIII.” (Bill Williams)

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Reader Lois Weiss of Studio City says her 6-year-old granddaughter came home from kindergarten one day and called to inform her that she had learned to spell. That’s wonderful, said Grandma, and asked her to spell a word.

“BMW,” she announced proudly.

(Grandma thinks she can also spell ‘TV.’)