Punch Lines

That’s debatable: Bob Dole and Bill Clinton met face to face in debate Sunday. Says Stan Kaplan, “Republicans protested that Clinton held an unfair advantage. He had Dole outnumbered, two faces to one.”

“In the polls, each scored points as an agent of change,” says Alan Ray. “Each of them motivated millions of Americans to change the channel.”

Says Argus Hamilton, “The stock market hit a record high and Clinton took full credit. Poverty fell to a new low and Clinton took full credit. Unmarried pregnancies declined, and they dragged him off stage just in time.”

Dole closed by inviting young people to check out his Web site:

* “Hey, the information superhighway finally has a Model T!” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Could be the most feeble attempt to look with-it since William Shatner recorded ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

In Illinois, a man wearing a Bob Dole mask robbed a bank last week:

* “ ‘Just our luck,’ said the bank manager. ‘An hour earlier, a man wearing a Ross Perot mask made a huge deposit.’ ” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “Maybe it wasn’t a mask. How else did you think he was going to cut taxes and balance the budget at the same time?” (Hamilton)

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In the news: Another big announcement from Sweden today, says the Olympia Daily World. “It’s official. The Nobel Prize for decorating has been awarded to Martha Stewart.”

The president of the Mormon church urged mothers to forgo full-time jobs in favor of staying home to raise their children. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Apparently this guy is still a bachelor. Otherwise he would know by now that raising kids is a full-time job.”

A stolen Picasso portrait was recently recovered. Says Joe Kevany, “The painting was thoroughly checked to make sure everything was out of place.”

Hasbro toys has unveiled a GI Jane doll. Says Ray, “Actually, she’s been around for a while. But marketing always promoted GI Joe first.”

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Hit the road, Jack: Dr. Jack Kevorkian came to the aid of a bicyclist injured in a traffic accident:

* “Despite his heroic efforts, the man survived.” (Johnny Robish)

* “The victim looked up, saw who was working on him and cried, ‘Wait! I want a second opinion!’ ” (William H. Nash)

* “The doctor is upset. It’s the first one he’s saved.” (Cutler)

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Reader Teressa Nau of Westchester was helping daughter Carly, 3 1/2, learn about the body. Your heart is in here, said Mom, pointing to Carly’s chest. Here’s your stomach, here are your kidneys. . . .

Oh no they aren’t, said Carly, pointing to her knees.

“These are kid knees.”