Punch Lines

In the news: Will the final, final count show that Rep. Bob Dornan was ousted in last week’s election?

* “Dornan is claiming fraud and demanding a recount. He’s convinced that people who aren’t white, straight, Christian or conservative were somehow allowed to vote.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “If he’s out, maybe he can spend all his time playing Bingo. Then his friends can still call him B-1 Bob.” (Jerry Perisho)

The movie “The Mirror Has Two Faces” opens today. Says Alex Pearlstein, “I hear it’s 90 minutes of President Clinton practicing a speech in the White House bathroom.”

The U.S. will send troops to Zaire as part of a relief effort. Says Cutler, “Meanwhile, the Clinton administration is denying reports it plans to name Sally Struthers as secretary of defense.”

Boxer Andy Golota may be banned from the sport for all the low blows he landed in his latest fight. Says Argus Hamilton, “He doesn’t mind. He can always make a living writing campaign ads.”

The Army is taking strides to deal with its sex scandal. Pearlstein says he saw a training platoon marching along and chanting:

I’ve been told that I gotta try

to shut my mouth and zip my fly.

Avis is being sued by African Americans who say they’ve been neglected, forced to wait and denied good cars. Says Alan Ray, “Legal experts say it’ll be hard to prove they’ve been treated differently.”

In the O.J. civil trial, the judge refused to let a witness demonstrate how to gouge flesh. Says Bill Williams, “Of course! If they let that secret get out, then anybody could be a lawyer.”

Titanic-mania is about to sweep the nation, with a TV movie, a Broadway play and a feature film on the 1912 disaster. Says Bob Mills, “Producers say the American public developed a strange fascination with shipwrecks from so many hours of watching the Dole campaign.”

Officials of the New York subway system are promoting courtesy among riders. Says Ray, “They’re trying to replace the old motto: ‘Let your finger do the talking.’ ”

A book called “Irritable Bowel Syndrome” has hit the bestseller lists. Says Steve Voldseth, “Oh, man, how’d you like to find yourself on a cross-country flight sitting next to a guy reading that one?”

Whitney Houston is pregnant again. Asks Steve Tatham, “Doesn’t she even take time to exhale?”

CBS will air a two-hour “Dallas” reunion tonight. Says Mills, “The series has been completely updated and modernized. In tonight’s episode, J.R. is shot after appearing as a surprise guest on ‘Jenny Jones.’ ”

*

Reader Eric Little of Goleta and his mother were having a discussion about how human beings are destroying whole ecosystems and eventually would become unable to produce or gather food. His mother opined that we wouldn’t starve because there will always be insects to eat. Daughter Bria, 6, playing on the floor, grew quiet for a moment and then piped up:

“If we get that hungry, I have dibs on the cat!”