If Only These Changes, Too, Would Come to Pass . . .

We in the Fourth Estate pride ourselves on being sharp-eyed watchdogs over the Legislature. But I’ll admit if the tables were turned, I’d find it frustrating to work in the Assembly or Senate in Sacramento. You’ve got to master the art of compromise to get your bills passed, a skill that many of us do not possess.

Here’s a few of the changes I’d want, but know I’d have a tough time getting passed:

* Tailgaters. I’d give them life without parole. You just can’t rehabilitate a tailgater.

* Campaign reform. I’d require automatic resignation for politicians who leave their campaign signs posted more than a week after they win election. Losers who don’t take down their signs would be barred from ever running for public office again. And they’d be ineligible for political appointments.

* People who block the sidewalk by double parking their cars in their driveways. (The same sidewalks used by the blind, people pushing baby carriages and those in wheelchairs.) Automatic towing--with each offending vehicle sold at public auction. The original owners would be free to offer a bid, of course.

Ditto for the vehicles of people who take up two parking spaces because they’ve got a new car and figure you don’t.

* Smoking. This is a tough one. I have relatives who raise tobacco back in Kentucky. And I have fond memories of the old smoking room in our building. You needed a gas mask to enter.

Too many nice people smoke for me to want to ban cigarettes. I’d just make smoking a felony. The three-strikes law would apply, of course.

* Some kind of legal penalty is needed for people at the poker table who announce they have “two pairs” when they’ve got four-of-a-kind. (“But aren’t two red kings and two black kings two pairs?”) The proper punishment hasn’t been created yet for this personality disorder.

I’m not the only one who fantasizes about legal changes. Orange County Assemblymen Mickey Conroy and Bill Morrow, both Republicans, had their ideas too.

Conroy wanted to return the paddle to the schools. I thought he had a decent concept, just the wrong target. I’d support paddling for legislators who skip out at roll call. And for anyone who calls in sick the Friday after Thanksgiving.

Morrow wanted to make it the rider’s choice whether to wear a helmet on a motorcycle. He even got the Assembly to pass it. (A lot of legislators are big supporters of the police, until the police support something that bothers them.) Fortunately, the Senate saw the lack of wisdom in the Assembly’s ways. My law would require Morrow to wear a helmet on the floor of the Assembly, for trying to make that turkey fly.

Some ’97 Specials: OK, now for the real changes that will take place in 1997:

* In the past, law enforcement agencies have been able to check out a person’s criminal background (or whether he or she is wanted for a crime) by checking national computer data.

Beginning next year, you can do the same thing, via the Internet. Your computer will give you access to criminal files, missing children’s files, and information on suspects in unsolved homicides.

Deputy Dist. Atty. Devalis Rutledge, who tracks these things for his office, suggested: “It’s sort of ‘America’s Most Wanted’ comes to your home computer.”

* Graffiti artists beware: In the past, these spray-paint vandals could face fines or jail time. But the Legislature has another scheme: Beginning next year, state law will require them to take care of the walls they mark up. For a length of time ordered by the court, the graffiti artist would have to keep clean the area where he once reigned. Suggested Rutledge: “It would be an incentive to tell his friends: ‘Leave my wall alone, I’ve got to clean that thing.’ ”

* Speed limits. With speed limits legally going up everywhere, those of us who prefer to drive at a gentle 55-mph pace get a break. The Legislature has decided that next year speeds on most two-lane undivided highways will be limited to 55 mph--not 65 mph as state transportation officials had expected. However, transportation officials will be allowed to make exceptions on roads where they deem traffic can be handled safely at the higher speed.

Making Al Gore Nervous: Which Republican has already announced he’s running for president in 2000? Skip all those big names. It’s Wally George, Irvine-based KDOC-TV’s “Hot Seat” talk-show host. George, apparently impressed with how Bob Dornan’s valiant attempt at the White House advanced his career, says he’s, uh, serious about all this. How serious? He plans to ask Rep. Sonny Bono, a Republican from the Palm Springs area, to be his running mate. We can only assume that means Cher was unavailable.

Wrap-Up: If you have a teenager at home, this is the part of the column to cut out and post on the refrigerator door.

In the past, adults could face fines if caught selling cigarettes to minors. And minors could face fines if they get caught buying a pack. But a teenager who managed to get that transaction completed without getting caught was home free: There’s no law against teens lighting them up.

But next year, look out if you’re an underage smoker: The police will have the right to cite you merely for possession. You can face as much as a $75 fine and 30 hours of community service.

Even worse could be the additional consequences: The police will also tell your parents and--an even greater penalty for some--they’ll confiscate your cigarettes.

Jerry Hicks’ column appears Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Readers may reach Hicks by calling the Times Orange County Edition at (714) 966-7823 or by fax to (714) 966-7711, or e-mail to jerry.hicks@latimes.com