Potholes and Other Things That Go Bump in the Night

“Don’t panic.”

Such a soothing phrase, elegantly simple and blunt.

So pointless at 69 mph when you suddenly spot the ragged maw of Ventura County’s hungriest pothole gaping 10 feet ahead.

So meaningless when a drunk drifting out of the left lane is squeezing you toward a right lane full of Cub Scouts on Huffies.

So worthless when a Kenworth loaded with pig iron is breathing down your neck and a motorcyclist cuts in front of you and slams on his brakes.

Street Smart’s long commute to his secret underground garage (which is cunningly disguised by one of those “DO NOT ENTER” signs) is too often filled with moments that are perfect for eye-bugging, chest-gripping, wheel-clutching panic.

Sometimes, the panic moment is preceded by the sound of a fellow motorist suddenly tossing common sense out the window (sort of a whooshing CLANG, really) and attempting a Dadaist performance piece involving mascara, radio knobs, unused turn signals and a Buick.

But more often than not, panic strikes when heavy traffic carries your car through a really bad spot in the road like this:

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Dear Street Smart:

The intersection at Westlake Boulevard and Triunfo Canyon Road is an accident waiting to happen.

If you are southbound on Westlake in the right lane approaching Triunfo, you suddenly realize you are in a “right turn only” lane when you want to go straight. Then you realize there is a 5-foot-wide bike lane to your left.

There is little warning on this 45-mph stretch: Painted arrows on the road for the last 50 feet are preceded by a small “right turn only” sign.

The only recourse is to slam on the brakes and turn right, or illegally go straight--noting that you’ve probably already entered the bike path and scared the driver in the No. 2 lane by almost putting a fender into the side of his car.

What if a cyclist had been whistling down the bike lane when this happened? We need more room before the turn for the sign and arrows.

Charles F. Ogle, Westlake Village

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Dear Reader:

Yyyyow.

Being a bicycle addict, Street Smart would rather be pedaling a 2-wheeler in a haze of sweat, sun block and Clif bar crumbs any day than sit in a 4-wheeler with the rest of the lumbering internal-combustion herd, but he makes an exception here.

Street Smart knows that intersection intimately. Street Smart uses it carefully. Street Smart hates it passionately.

Like so many other Ventura County crossroads, the Triunfo/Westlake intersection has quickly grown too big for its britches. As Thousand Oaks swells with new settlers, traffic through there has grown particularly thick, especially at rush hour.

And Caltrans hears you, sort of:

“Caltrans maintenance crews will refresh the paint on Westlake Boulevard and trim the trees,” says department spokeswoman Pat Reid in a written response to your letter. “The sign reading ‘Right Lane Must Turn Right’ will be relocated 300 feet to give motorists more advance notice that the lane is designated for vehicles turning right only.”

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Dear Street Smart:

As a student of Oxnard College, I have watched Rose Avenue in front of the school deteriorate over the last couple of years to a road that is full of potholes and cracks bad enough to damage even four-wheel-drive trucks.

There have been a few pothole repairs after it rains, but the majority of the road is in great disrepair. Why is it that this stretch of road never seems to get a complete fix?

Johnny Szary, Oxnard

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Dear Reader:

The low point of any commute is that split second on a familiar rough road when something distracts you from your pothole-straddling routine:

“Herewego, herewego, drift leeeft, Mauna Loa, Krakatoa, cut right then left, gullygullygully, no problem, here comes Vesuvius, WHOAAA, ease right again and--hey, check out that candy-flake magenta ’57 Caddy ragtop with the... WAAAAAUGH, GRAND CANYONNN!”

Ker-WHAM!!!

And the next thing you know, either your front end has picked up an alarming shimmy, your rear end is rattling like a cultist’s shaken head or you have blown a tire.

As for Rose Avenue:

“It’s sure nice to be able to finally give somebody a positive answer,” said Jim Weeks, Oxnard’s streets maintenance supervisor. “We know about the condition. Most of it’s caused by the increased traffic they got when they put the intersection over the [Pacific Coast Highway], and they’ve done so much work on the storm drains there, it’s pretty well torn up.”

The city’s overworked road crews will get to it within three months--after they have patched five other major arteries that must come first, Weeks said.

Oxnard definitely wants to do a full repaving job on Rose Avenue, but the project must wait--18 to 24 months, by conservative estimate--until the next round of federal road funding comes through, Weeks said.

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Dear Street Smart:

When I read your article concerning what to name the Conejo Grade, I remember what my 4-year-old granddaughter (now 20) said: “Grandma, is this the Conejo Grave?” Out of the mouths of babes!

Now to a traffic matter. A while back, Victoria Avenue was widened at Channel Islands Boulevard to accommodate more traffic. However, the way they changed the lanes has added more congestion! Victoria going north has two left turn lanes, two lanes to go straight, and no right turn lane. When the people leave work at the Seabee base, or in the morning rush hour, this is a real bottleneck.

Two left lanes are really unnecessary. There should be one left lane only, two straight, and one right-turn-only lane. Thank you very much in advance for looking into this matter. Our residents would greatly appreciate it.

Arlene Shatsky, Silver Strand

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Dear Reader:

Logistics, logistics, logistics.

Why can’t you get an elephant through a straw? Simply because it will not fit into your blender.

Logistics are standing in the way, as sensible as your suggestion sounds:

“Adding a right turn lane for northbound Victoria at Channel Islands is a good idea,” responds Joe Genovese, Oxnard traffic engineer.

“However, it is not as simple as restriping the existing traffic lanes to take away a left-turn lane and add a right-turn lane,” he says. “That is because the lanes would not line up properly.

“Channel Islands Harbor is considering a master plan that will add traffic to Victoria Avenue in this area. One of the mitigations recommended in the traffic analysis is that a right-turn lane be added,” Genovese offers. “The city does not have funds to add the right-turn lane at this time.”

So it sounds like the admirals of the harbor are the best ones to pressure.

Keep an eye on the legal ads for the next public meeting they may have on the master plan. Stroll on down there and tug on their gold epaulets.

Next week: What weighs 80,000 pounds, remolds asphalt roads like Silly Putty, makes grown men quake in fear and holds together the world as we know it?