Roswell Report Doesn’t Fly

The U.S. Air Force has labeled its report on the alleged crash of a flying saucer in the New Mexico desert “case closed.” Not too smart.

The 231-page investigative report certainly didn’t sway believers. Rather, the length to which the Air Force went to compile a “final” report convinces them the military will do anything to cover up the supposed crash of a spaceship with two to five alien creatures aboard half a century ago.

They were parachute crash test dummies, the report insists. Bosh, scoffed Frank Kaufmann, who claims he helped pull the bodies of aliens from the wreckage. “Seeing those bodies and the crash made me realize we are not alone in this vast universe,” Kaufmann said.

Well, we won’t argue that we aren’t alone in a universe with billions of stars and possibly millions of planets with the potential for nurturing life, perhaps even intelligent life. Maybe even life with the ability to traverse intergalatic space. But to come all that way only to crash into a scrubby hillside in New Mexico? For brilliant aliens to die such an ignominious death without transmitting some tangible message to us earthlings? Not too smart.

Well, nothing we or the Air Force says will deter thousands from enjoying Roswell’s UFO festival this coming week. The city is claiming a coup, with visitors spending about $2 million and helping to make Roswell the tourist hub of southeastern New Mexico. Now that’s smart.