Punch Lines

How You Know It Is the Late 20th Century: “The latest fad with kids is these Giga Pets, these little pocket-sized virtual pets that come from Japan. They need to be fed and taken care of until they die, and then you just toss them away,” says Jay Leno. “We had those when we were kids--turtles from Woolworth’s.”

“O.J. Simpson is getting richer by the day in Los Angeles,” says Argus Hamilton. “Tuesday morning he arrived at the debtor’s hearing in his $40,000 Ford Expedition. Two hours later, the judge sent him home in a $500,000 bus.”

“The fact that Andrew Cunanan was discovered by accident, and not because his picture appeared on the FBI’s ‘Most Wanted’ list has raised questions about the relevance of the 47-year-old list,” says Johnny Robish. “It may soon be replaced by the ‘Largest Political Contributors’ list.”

CompuServe promises more secure sites for adults only, says Mike Hull. “Kids will have to go back to breaking into less challenging systems like their school computers and the Pentagon.”

“CBS is trying to make the Marcia Clark character more lovable in its movie based on her book,” says Camille Brewster. “Right now, they’re filming the opening when she tosses her hat in the air.”

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Our Government: “The big news on Capitol Hill is that Congress has come up with a tentative agreement on the balanced budget thing. Do you realize what a huge deal a balanced budget would be? We would never have to look at another Ross Perot chart.” (Leno)

* “A budget and a tax deal. Well, that’s two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

* “The budget will be balanced. Millions will get a tax cut. There was bipartisan cooperation. Quick, somebody check to see if the politicians have been replaced by space aliens.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Now President Clinton faces the real uphill battle--getting it past China. They have to approve.” (Leno)

“Richard ‘Not the Bomber’ Jewell spoke to a Senate panel during a hearing. He is nominated as the culprit who damaged the Mir, sank the Titanic and canceled ‘Star Trek.’ ” (Jenny Church)

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Malpractice Alert: The creators of the newspaper comic “Rex Morgan, M.D.” issued an apology after the doctor gave bad advice by prescribing aspirin for a baby, says Steve Voldseth. “How bad does your HMO have to be to assign you to a cartoon doctor?”

* “Uh, oh, and we just hear he has been made pediatrician for the ‘Peanuts’ gang.” (Daily Scoop)

* “Morgan was so distraught, he contemplated erasing himself.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Reader Larry Kantor’s teenage son, Daniel, was getting a haircut, and Kantor overheard him complaining to Jack, the barber, about how he hates school.

“Forget about school,” Jack told him. “We need more barbers.”