Punch Lines

Storm Warning: “Hurricane Bonnie has been acting so erratically, they may have to change its name to Hurricane Farrah.” (Alex Kaseberg)

A Real Ringer: Connecticut phone company employees have just announced they are on strike. Customers have been advised to expect delays when trying to reach the following departments: operators, direct-dial assistance and customer service. “In other words, business as usual.” (Marco Del Chiaro)

A Warm Toast: Douglas Kennedy, the youngest son of Robert Kennedy, got married in Nantucket, Mass. “Ted Kennedy was there and toasted the newlyweds. He raised his tumbler, looked at the bride and offered, ‘There once was a girl from Nantucket. . . .’ ” (Chris Pina)

At the Latest: The U.S. Postal Service is helping Showtime make a movie about mail carriers who track down mail bombs. “Even though they’re showing the film on a Monday, you won’t actually get it until Wednesday or Thursday.” (Andrew Wisot)

A Little to the Left: Russian President Boris Yeltsin reportedly has completely reorganized his Cabinet. “Under the new configuration, the vodka is slightly left of the gin and tequila, leaving easy access to the scotch without disturbing the bourbon, which has been exiled to the brandy section way in the back.” (Bob Mills)

Toying Around: Fisher-Price has recalled 54,000 infant car seats to replace a defective adjusting strap: “The strap had a tendency to become loose whenever the kid asked, ‘Are we there yet?’ ” (Mills)

Salmonella Sam: The National Academy of Sciences has proposed the appointment of a “food czar” to oversee the government’s hit-or-miss food inspection program. “Even the FDA officials admit they need more precise meat spoilage categories such as: ‘Green,’ ‘Fuzzy’ and ‘Able to Leave the Refrigerator on Its Own.”’ (Bill Williams)

Looking Good: A study finds that young men find looks more important than substance. “Interestingly, the ratio of looks over substance goes down considerably when taken with Heineken or Bud.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Sick Spice: “Posh Spice has morning sickness. She’s either pregnant or she’s been listening to her own music.” (Zack Taylor)

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