2 (Prepared) Thumbs Up for Kids

There comes a moment for parents of young children when you realize with a flush of horror that you’re about to be profoundly embarrassed by your kids. And worse, it’s your own darn fault.

I’ve had several of those moments. And they seem to happen when we’re at the movies.

Like the time I took my 9-year-old daughter to see “Titanic” (she was in a full-tilt Leo phase) and she sobbed so uncontrollably during the fateful scene where DiCaprio’s character becomes one with the fishes that I was sure I was going to be arrested for child cruelty.

And the time I took my kids with me to see Jane Austen’s “Emma.” I was operating on the absurd notion that my son, then 5, actually could be plied with enough popcorn and juice to sit through what was not only a “girl movie” but one where only Victorian English was spoken.

My daughter was a trouper, especially after I explained that Emma was really just like Alicia Silverstone’s character Cher from “Clueless.” My son, however, got stuck while hanging upside down in his chair--the folding seat folded around him-- 20 minutes after the opening credits.

Or the time I neglected to check the rating and we took the kids to see “There’s Something About Mary.” I had the foolish notion that it had to be a kid’s movie because it was made by the same guys who gave us the benignly insipid “Dumb and Dumber.”

Which is actually how my husband and I felt when, during the scene where actor Ben Stiller, uh, amuses himself to the lingerie ads in the bathroom, both kids said in earsplitting chorus, “What’s he doing?”

Now we’re in the height of the holiday movie season, and I’m determined to minimize repeat performances. So I’ve compiled some do’s and don’ts to reduce those moments of mortification:

1) Check the rating. (See above.) Some publications, including The Times and Entertainment Weekly magazine, have handy features aimed at parents that highlight the biggest movies out and evaluate them for themes and lessons, plot strengths and weaknesses, and objectionable words and phrases. They also usually note which ages are appropriate for each movie.

2) Know your theater. Even though they may be showing 12 movies at your cineplex, it’s probably because each screen is in a room the size of your kitchen. Which leads to the next point.

3) Arrive early. Movies are mobbed during the holidays, and it’s common to find five people in a near-empty theater holding seats for another 50. After several years of taking five-plus kids to the show, my sister and I have perfected a tag-team offense where we manage to get choice seats selected, kids situated, buckets of popcorn and diet sodas purchased and mounds of napkins distributed in under 30 minutes.

4) Be prepared for bathroom breaks. It may be an annoyance for adults to leave in the middle of a movie, but visiting a foreign restroom is part of the overall adventure for kids. Also, if you follow Rule 3 and arrive early, you can take care of this essential excursion before the lights dim.

5) Don’t let kids carry food. Anyone who has been covered in grease-drenched kernels catapulted by a distracted 3-year-old will thank you. During a showing several years ago of “Aladdin,” I watched a hapless child fling a mega-sized Diet Coke into the audience as he tripped on a fold of carpet.

And a final bit of advice: Relax. If you’re going to a movie with a bunch of kids, it’s useless to get stressed by the giggles and whispers and wails that inevitably puncture the quiet. For kids, having other kids at the movies to share the experience is part of the fun.

Come to think of it, that goes for adults too.